This post has been difficult to write. I am conscious that I do not want to generalise too much however, I do think I need to address this.
So in case you have not realised, I have an issue with feeling like I am being judged by other people. This expands to witnessing other people being judged.
Now I am not a saint and have myself been judgemental of other people. I do it regularly. I react to a preconceived idea of how I expect people to behave depending on their appearance. I am aware that this makes me a hypocrite however, as I am getting older, I am looking more closely at circumstances and trying to be more understanding.
A classic example of this occurs in the school playground whilst waiting to collect my children from school.
This is a behaviour that develops early in your life. I believe it starts to develop at school. I’m sure we can remember the different cliques that existed within our year groups at school. In addition, I’m sure we can all remember which “clique” you were apart of. I know I can.
So when we have “grown up” we see the images of the other parents who all seem so much more grown up than I am and make assumptions about which parents we would be able to make friends with.
Funnily enough, I am not approached by very many parents. I naturally have a resting bitch face which makes me very unappealing for small talk.
Someone once described my personality as being that of a tortoise. When I meet new people I tend to stay back and observe them for a little while before poking my head out from my shell. As a result I tend to survey the other parents for months before taking the leap to try and start a conversation.
Now I have said before I am not a very good friend, especially since I have had my children. My problem is that if my children are with me in social situations I am too absorbed in what they are doing, who they are playing with and where they are. I know that some people are able to multitask. I have seen some incredible examples of parents talking among themselves and engaging with other adults!
How do you do that?! This is not a judgement. I am truly in awe of you. Hopefully as I continue on my journey with my counsellor this is a skill I can develop and will become a part of my past rather than being part of who I am. Or maybe it is something that happens naturally as the children grow older?
Anyway, back to my original topic, judgement. I believe that society judges it members by certain criteria. For example, you are judged by your appearance, what clothes you are wearing, if or how you wear make up or your hair and even in some circumstances how you smell.
In addition to your appearance you are judged by the way you present your home. For example if you live in a messy house, or have a lot of animals and how tidy your garden is.
If that isn’t enough for people to try and keep up with, you are now also judged by the way you speak or the way you eat and what you choose to eat, your lifestyle choices and your beliefs.
Then add becoming a parent and your judged for how you to choose to care for your child from the clothes that they wear, the method of feeding, how well they sleep, whether they are a “happy” baby or a “grizzly” baby. That is just while your on maternity leave. As the end of your maternity leave approaches you are then judged by whether you choose to return to work, if you do choose to return to work then what your working pattern is going to be and what form of childcare you are going to put in place. It feels like the list is endless.
All of these social expectations are overwhelming, even now, but especially when you are a first time mum. When I became a mum I felt like I disappeared. I still feel like I am invisible to everyone else (other than the children, of course, when they want a snack). My identity is now just Mum.
Or is it? I still have a voice, I still have aspirations and I still have feelings. I am still me. It just seems to have been buried under the pressure of trying to conform to the expectations of the outside world.
Am I at a point that I am tolerant of people passing judgements on other peoples lives? No, certainly not. I believe that the judgements need to stop. We should be supporting each other. We should be trying to help each other as much as we can. We need to change the attitude of what do I stand to gain. We need to approach with the attitude of what can “we” achieve together that we could not do alone.
The bottom line is we do not know what is happening in other peoples lives at any given time or the circumstances surrounding the choices that they make.
I can honestly say that the loneliest I have felt was after my son was born. I may be alone with that thought but there did not seem to be any peer to peer support. I went to a few of the local mother and baby groups but whenever they were over I always left feeling like I was not good enough to be there and that my child deserved better.
My last experience with a “support group” was when my son was approximately 3 months old. He was bottle fed and the group was meeting at the time of his feed. I prepared myself with fresh hot water in a bottle, placed the bottle in a bottle warmer so that it wouldn’t be cold by the time I had walked to the other side of town, filled a formula dispenser with the relevant number of scoops checked the baby bag had everything else I might need and set off.
We walk across town, he falls asleep which is fine and he woke up when we arrived hungry. So, he is crying because he is hungry. I managed to get him out of his pram and grab the bag, go into the room and sit down with all the other mums. No problem so far.
Except my child is getting louder and louder because he is still hungry. I am sat on a plastic chair within a plastic chair circle and now everyone is looking at me. They are all watching me trying to juggle my 3 month old baby and trying to make up a bottle, which is still a little to warm, with one hand.
Then the looks began. If you have ever been on the receiving end of one of those looks you will know what I am talking about. It was a look that said what are you doing? Well of course she would be bottle feeding, breast is best don’t you know? Why is your baby still screaming? Do something about it?
Now I am starting to panic hoping that someone is going to offer to help me but it soon became clear that help was not coming. I had no choice but to place my screaming baby on the floor because I needed to get a cup of cold water to stand his bottle in so that he would be able to drink it. Cue more looks of disgust from the “perfect” mothers.
By the time that the bottle was at the right temperature he was in such a state that he was refusing the bottle. I knew I just needed to keep offering it and soothing him as best I could so that he could realise that it was there. That was the point that the “helpful” comments started.
I say helpful but the truth is they were rude and condescending. The implications were that I did not know my own child at all. Comments like “He obviously isn’t hungry otherwise he would be taking the bottle” or “Are you sure that he just doesn’t need changing dear?” and “maybe you would feel more comfortable somewhere else”.
I would be lying if I was to say that it was all lovely after that and we had a lovely chat and got to know each other. But that didn’t happen. The others were chatting among themselves watching me out of the corner of their eyes and I can honestly say that it was the most humiliating experience of my life.
To this day I cannot understand what it was about me that caused them to treat me that way or why no one even asked if I needed some help. I never went to another baby group alone. For a long time I didn’t go at all, I would get my mum to take my son to the stay and play groups so that he was socialising and learning as expected. When I did eventually build up the courage to go I would only go with my mum. I knew I was safe if my mum was there because I could focus on my son and she would socialise with the adults.
Now I have friends who are having children and I think they would tell you I am overbearing at times. I am so desperate to prevent them from having similar experiences to me that I have to remind myself that their situation is not the same as mine, therefore their experiences will not be the same as mine. When I say I am overbearing I don’t mean with parenting advice I mean with checking in with how they feel and making sure that they know they matter still and trying to make sure that they know they are more than just mum.
We are all more than just mum, its just taken me some time to realise it. My children are loved more than they will ever know, they are safe, they are provided for what more can you ask for? They are loving, friendly and polite and my family say that is primarily because of me. I am a good mum and the decisions I make are made for their benefit.
No two journeys are the same but if you have ever felt judged or feel like I have in the past I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and you are enough.
During this process there will be funny anecdotes and not funny experiences but for me, the purpose of this blog is to be honest about my experiences and if it helps just one person then it was worth it.
Mumma Bear Roars 