Ok, so this is a subject which is sensitive and I hate to use the “as a Mum” BUT in my experience we are forced, at times, to confront elements of ourselves which we would prefer remained hidden. So, as a mum, this is an area that I need to address.
A few days ago, I was helping my 6 year old get ready for bed and she looked at me, with her big brown puppy dog eyes and said “Mummy, I am fat!” My heart stopped. Not literally obviously but it felt like someone smacked me in the face with a spade.
It was a moment where I had to stop and allow myself a few seconds for my brain to engage. In that moment I did not want to react by shouting at her that she was not fat…I wanted to know why she thought she was fat, and I knew that if I allowed my instinct of “don’t be stupid, your not fat” lead then I would not get the answer. I also knew that if I responded that way now then in the future, when she is going through puberty, if she was struggling with the way her body looked then she may not talk to me about it and that could escalate in to a much bigger issue.
So I took a deep breath, looked at her and asked her why she thought that. All the time I am waiting for her answer my brain is thinking of all the possible scenarios that may have brought my child to this conclusion. The reason that she gave was not any of the scenarios that had flashed in my brain.
It turns out the reason that my daughter thought she was fat was because of the way my body looked. She demonstrated by breathing in how she thinks my tummy looks and breathed out to show me what she thinks her tummy looked like. My heart broke.
Now any ladies out there reading this will know that there comes a time where we all stand in front of a mirror holding our tummies in to make ourselves look thinner. For me, I distinctly remember the moment that I looked in a mirror and started to work on holding my tummy in all the time so that I would look slimmer. As a teenager, I was very conscious of the way I looked. I believe all teenagers are but growing up I had been bullied for various reasons, but I remember being told a lot by the boys that I was ugly.
As I got older, that stuck with me and I would read magazine articles about how to improve my appearance, the best way to style my hair. I was obsessed with the way I look.
I am not a makeup person, nor have I ever been obsessive about make up but my hair was a different story. I was obsessed with my hair being perfect. It was a known fact. So much so, that my best friend at the time knew the best way to get me to shut up or wind me up was to just stare a point on my head. This would immediately result in me panicking thinking my hair was a mess and rushing to the nearest toilet to check it in a mirror. It was and is still funny, I merely include this anecdote to highlight how obsessed I was about my appearance and the impact that being told I was ugly had.
Anyway, I digress, my point is I remember learning to hold my stomach in but I never thought in a million years that the way I present my body would cause my daughter to compare her body to mine and make her feel like she is fat.
I was prepared for a talk about airbrushing, perfect images online or the TV. I was even prepared for a response of another child being responsible for this thought. I was not prepared for this.
The only thing that I could think to do in that moment was stand up in front of my child, tell her to look at my tummy and demonstrate that Mummy’s tummy changes as well depending on whether she is breathing in or out as well. That was all my daughter was doing, she was just breathing and because her tummy was bigger when she exhaled she thought she was fat. She had not realised that Mummy’s tummy does that too and she was more confident after that happened.
Now the initial reaction can be considered an overreaction on my part. I had never considered that the body confidence issues I have could have an adverse affect on my child.
Our family has a female majority and within that female majority there are different shapes, sizes and attitudes towards food. I am not a “foodie”. Food for me is essential for survival but I do not get excited about food generally and if I am honest, the need to eat is more of an inconvenience for me. On my side of the family there is a history of eating disorders and I have witnessed the profound impact that someone’s relationship with food can have on their mental and physical wellbeing. I do not feel that I have an eating disorder myself, it just isn’t an element of life that brings me immense joy.
On my husband’s side there is a different approach. I love going for a meal with his family as they genuinely read a menu and you can see their excitement as they are reading about the different options available. It is amazing. Before I had been for a meal with his family, I had not realised it can take up to an hour to make a decision about what you are going to eat. My first few experiences were fascinating. They will actually debate with each other before they place their order about whether or not anyone around the table is interested in going half and half with a dish because they do not want to choose just one and suffer “food envy”.
Food envy is a thing. I have seen it for myself. I had never heard of it before but it exists. I have witnessed members of my family order their meal, see another person’s meal on the table and become crestfallen that they “made the wrong choice”. It is so sad to see their face change from an expression akin to that of an excited child on Christmas morning to the disappointed sulky child that didn’t get what they had asked for.
This is the attitude that I want my children to have about food as they grow older. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies and eat a well balanced diet which they enjoy rather than hating their bodies and starving it to make it fit with an idea of perfection, which, quite frankly I believe is unrealistic.
I am aware that my body changed a lot after I had my children and it will never be the way that it was before. I am beginning to accept that. I am also aware that most of the imperfections that I see nobody else can see. I am not going to detail what changes I have noticed in this post but, who knows, maybe I will write a further post about this in the future.
It is taking a long time for me to feel comfortable with my body, but, I feel better about myself now then I ever did prior to the arrival of my children. I now have a respect for my body that I never had before and I listen to it more.
The main point that I have taken from this interaction is that even though I see issues with my body and the way I look, my daughter is comparing herself to me and is learning behaviours from me. As a result, I am going to try and show myself more self love and appreciation for what my body can do in the hope that my daughter will learn those skills to help her through the changes that she will inevitably go through in the future.
Mumma Bear Roars 