Dreams and Aspirations

How many of us can remember what we wanted to be when we grow up? Can you remember being asked this question as a child? If so, can you remember your answer? How many of us achieved our dream? Has your dream changed as you have got older? Mine has. Was this by choice or necessity? Mine changed and continues to change.

So for those of you who don’t know, when I was growing up I wanted to be an investigative journalist. Why did I want to be a journalist? That’s easy! I wanted to be the next Lois Lane! A better, smarter version of her, I wanted to write for the Daily Planet but wanted to be able to save myself rather than be reliant on Superman to save me. I was going to do it all.

For years that was my goal and I worked my butt off in an attempt to get there. But then, at 15 my dream was taken from me. I allowed it to be stolen by a careers advisor of all people.

When I was in secondary school, all those years ago there were people who would come in to have meetings with the students to discuss the routes that needed to be taken to help them achieve their dream careers. Generally, this involved you telling them what you wanted to do, how you were planning to get there and then the other party telling what universities or courses were available to help you on your way.

I had been writing for the school newspaper, helping with layouts, learning about different media outlets, fact finding and with the help and guidance of one of my all time favourite teachers (don’t lie, we all have them) I thought I was on the right path. Until my meeting with the careers advisor I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to be a great journalist.

During the meeting I was enthusiastically informing her of the skills I had been developing and how I planned on finishing school with A Levels in Media Studies, English Literature and Geography. My plan from there was to get some kind of apprenticeship with a local paper and work my way up the ranks gaining precious experience, I was chomping at the bit to get out there and show the world what I could do. The lady looked at me blankly and crushed it with one sentence…”That’s not going to happen, no one will hire you without a degree”.

In the blink of an eye my dream was dead in the water. I switched off. I had always known that University was not an option for me regardless of how hardworking I was or how “clever” I might be. I had no intention of starting my professional life with a mountain of debt that would more than likely be hanging round my neck for the rest of my life.

I humoured the lady as she started telling me about the best Universities for the sort of degree that I would need, I have a vague recollection of Falmouth being highly recommended, I was polite and listened but inside I felt like my dream was crushed. I think the lady felt really positive at the end that she had “opened my eyes” in a positive way but in reality all that had happened was the realisation that my dream was unobtainable.

From there, life just went downhill for one reason or another. I began my AS levels but it was obviously a waste of time, what was the point in going to class and doing the work? There was no point, the lady had told me that the only path open was not within my grasp no matter how much work I put in, so all I was doing was delaying the inevitable failure. Might as well cut my losses and accept my fate of being another statistic from a council estate.

Growing up, my parents were divorced which in the early 90’s was not as common as it seems to be now, I lived with my mum and we lived on a council estate which was actually brilliant. I love my childhood and have some fantastic memories of playing outside with the other kids who lived on the estate. In addition to that some of the characters and people that I met were great people. Everyone looked out for each other and there was a real sense of being safe, knowing that someone was always looking out for you.

Anyway I digress, so I gave up on school and instead started working for an estate agency as an apprentice administrator. It wasn’t difficult or taxing, it’s all pretty straightforward and most of the time you just need to use your common sense.

The guy that hired me, he was an aspiring writer too. He studied at Cambridge and yet here he was with his business partners starting a new estate agency. This gave me hope that maybe all wasn’t lost for my dream. Maybe I could still be a writer one day. We would talk a lot about different texts and forms of writing, he would give me books to read to broaden my understanding and we would then discuss them. Like some kind of odd tutor student book club thing.

From here I became a secretary at a law firm and learnt a lot of new skills and my dream changed. The next dream was to impress the boss so that I could begin training to be a Legal Executive. Turns out that didn’t happen so I just focused on learning as much as I could about the different areas of law, changed firms and departments throughout the years and eventually became an assistant. During this time the children arrived and once again, the focus shifted and the dream changed.

Now the dream is to be financially and emotionally stable and to enable my children to reach their goals and dreams, whatever they may be. Part of that dream is that as the children grow up they will be kind to others and become independent active members of society. Whether that will be achieved remains to be seen, I mean, how many times can you tell someone to put their shoes on before you start to doubt that you are forming words and not just growling in a corner before thinking that even that goal might be a stretch too far.

That may be a little melodramatic but I am sure you get the picture.

Throughout my life so far I have been thrown various curveballs which have changed my path. Ok, so I did not become a better improved version of Lois Lane and I do not write for a daily newspaper.

I have overcome some large hurdles throughout my life and I chose to do that. I chose not to let the negative experiences have as much power over me as they could have. They are still there, they still happened and they still have a some power but I refuse to allow them to stifle my voice any longer.

I have always had a love for literature and writing was not only a dream I had but actually is pretty essential part of who I am. Is there any better feeling than getting lost in a book for hours at a time? If there is, I am yet to find it.

I am hopeful that I can pass on my love for reading and writing to my children, so far, this is a lost cause but who knows? Part of the fun is trying to ignite and engage their minds at bedtime. We still read to our children every night, I have not given up hope yet. It only takes one character to capture the imagination and light the flame. I just need to find the right one.

Any suggestions?

I realise now the dream was always alive, it never truly died, that is why, after much deliberation and discussion I created this blog. It has quickly become an essential part of my journey and has already had a big impact on my state of mind.

Yes, it is terrifying every time I opt to publish a post but, despite that fear, I do it anyway. Writing is a part of who I am, this is one way that I am going to reclaim my identity and it is helping to join all of the elements that make me who I am.

I am not one thing. There are many, many aspects that make me who I am, and I am not perfect, I have flaws but not all flaws are bad.

I am lucky that I have people that I can bounce ideas off and who (like the teacher I mentioned earlier) encourage me to keep going and ignore the dream stealers. I know that I am fortunate in this respect but that isn’t always enough.

The biggest enemy I have is my mind. My mind allows the naysayers to have power over me and it often overrides the voice that says you can do this or you can achieve that. You can have the largest group of people cheering you on and encouraging you but if you have any self doubt and you give that time to grow you will not do it.

I choose to press go, I choose to allow my dreams and aspirations to grow and evolve over time and hopefully, you will too.