Failure is a powerful word. It has so many connotations. There are many ways in which we can fail. For most people it implies that they are not good enough and need to improve or give up.
Anyone of us can feel like we are a failure and that feeling, however unwarranted, is overwhelming. To the outside world we can appear like we are on the ball and are handling life’s challenges, whatever they may be, without any problem. Every single person has different priorities and areas of importance in their lives.
My home is an element of my life and as I am no longer working, in the traditional sense, it has become a focus area for me. Can I keep the house clean and tidy all the time? No I cannot. There are days where I want to go on strike and instead would prefer to spend my time binge watching Doctor Who. Do I go on strike for a few hours. Too right!
Do I feel better and recharged afterwards? No. I feel like a failure because I have not washed the dishes.
The main element in my life is my family. Surely I must be doing something right to deserve the love and support of my family right? Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. I feel like a failure here too. I do not know why but I feel that I need to earn their love and if I have not been the perfect stereotypical 50’s housewife then I am not worthy. Stupid right? Especially when you consider I have never been nor will I ever fit the stereotype. With me, it is a case of one or the other, I can either look perfectly made up and “beautiful” or the house can.
Nine times out of ten the house wins. In a previous post I talked about how life was during lockdown. You may have read it. But in all honesty, the hair scraped up in a claw clip on my head because I haven’t had a haircut for over a year is pretty much how it is all the time.
This week is proving difficult. I am feeling rather fragile and I am having to confront ugly aspects of my personality due to them being demonstrated by the mini me’s such as obstinance and anger.
Have you ever dropped the children at school and cried all the way home because you feel so helpless? I have a few times. This morning is a prime example. I have spoken before about feeling invisible and not having my own voice. We were late for school this morning.
Now, I am at a stage with my children where I believe they are old enough to take some responsibility for themselves, such as getting their own uniform, brushing their teeth etc without prompting. I am bored of repeating myself over and over again, the routine has not changed since they started school. They have 3-4 years experience of following the same routine and yet, I find myself roaring every morning like a beast from the Jurassic era.
It must be like watching a cycle of evolution in my house every morning. The cycle starts with the exhausted puffy eyed parent huddled in the kitchen cuddling a cup of tea, getting out bowls, spoons, milk and various cereals for her precious young. The feeding ritual is repeated a couple of times before she has pulled herself up the stairs to change her camouflage for the upcoming day whilst intermittently making her well known squawk requesting that the children change as well.
The young are feral beasts who, are apparently immune to the calls of their mother, jump all over the furniture, screaming in each others faces and generally behaving like a herd of rhinoceros. Meanwhile the mother has taken on characteristics of a sentry meerkat watching the minutes tick by as if time is a dangerous predator.
After some time we see the mother start to twitch as another change is upon her, this time it appears to be the form of a tyrannosaurus rex roaring out “shoes, jumpers, coats” but the young are unfazed and cannot see the sense of urgency, in fact its all rather comical for them, it seems like the Mum is trying to channel her inner T-Rex but all the children see is Barney the purple dinosaur.
Anyway, long story short I made the decision that I did not want to participate in this cycle today. It is starting to wear thin and I do not enjoy starting everyday feeling like I have failed in the basics of parenthood. Obviously that didn’t work, I still started the day as a failure because, I did still get frustrated, I did still shout, only once mind and we were late.
This isn’t limited to the mornings, at the moment it feels like every interaction I have with my children is some kind of battle particularly with my son. He seems to believe he is the Lord of the Manor and his sister and I are purely here to carry out his will. I cannot understand why or where this ridiculous notion has come from but it must be my fault and I have no idea how to rectify it.
How do I teach my son that women and girls deserve respect? How do I show him that you have to help as well within a family, my techniques are clearly not making any difference. I have tried everything I can think of and it may improve for a couple of hours but for some reason it does not seem to stick. Any ideas or advice is very much welcome.
I find myself taking solace in the notion that everything is just a phase and the children will grow out of it, but what if they don’t? What if I am raising two entitled brats who will believe that the world owes them purely because they exist? How can I make them understand that you only get out of life what effort you put in to it, and if you do not try then you will not achieve your dreams? This is my belief, it is what I was taught and I have tried my best with everything that I have done so far but what if my best is not enough?
Sometimes I fail, and that’s ok, the things I have failed at do not matter but if I fail in my role as a parent that will matter. We can only do our best but what happens when your best is not enough? A friend recently said “the only failure is not doing it”. Do I believe this?
Failure does not scare me in any other aspect of my life, if the house is messy for a couple of days…oh well never mind, we all need some self care. If my husband is ordering a takeaway because I am too lazy to cook, maybe I’ll do better with feeding him next week, but the kids not completing a piece of homework, being late to school, or a consequence that makes them cry terrifies me. I am scared because if I fail with this aspect, they are the ones that will suffer in the long term, I will have failed them.
So this week is proving to be a long, tough week, it has really put a strain on my mental wellbeing and it isn’t over yet. It will get better, this is not a permanent state of mind.
There will be a day where everything goes smoothly and we are enjoying our time together as a family just around the corner. Those days put the feelings of failure to bed for a while.
There are more good days than bad days, at the moment my family are in an adjustment period with life getting back to “normal” which means emotions are running high, stress levels are elevated but it is temporary. It will level out again and in the meantime I have the children to focus on and the dog to keep me going.
Although having said that even the dog seems to be staging some form of protest. This morning I woke up to a turd and pee on the front room carpet…I am not entirely sure what has triggered this response from the dog, the only thing I can think of is he knows I forgot to buy more dog food which resulted in him having to miss a meal a couple of days ago….that may have something to do with it.
Mumma Bear Roars 