Half Term…Oh Joy!

So it’s half term, and if I am honest I am absolutely dreading the next week.

As I have said before I am not a fun mum and I did struggle with my children during lockdown. Part of the reason for this is because children are messy. My children make mess and do not tidy up after themselves.

I am someone who believes that a tidy space equals a tidy mind. If things are messy for too long I start to feel like I am unravelling and like I am losing control. As a result my stress levels rise and, unfortunately, I seem to disconnect from my children.

Several people have asked me whether I have any plans for half term. The answer is no for a few reasons. One reason is because I am unsure from one day to the next what the rules are that I am supposed to abide by in connection with the pandemic.

The other reason is because if I plan activities too far in advance I can become overwhelmed with anxiety about said activity. I wish I knew the cause of my anxiety but the truth is I don’t. I can speculate about the reasons but there is no specific cause. However, I have had a lot of bad luck when it comes to taking my children out by myself. In my mind there seem to be more negative experiences than positive ones. Logically I know this is because I have not continued to take the children out alone following a bad experience.

An example of a bad experience I can remember is when I took my children to meet my father for Sunday lunch at his local pub. My husband was working but I decided that it would be fine for the three of us to carry on as normal.

We arrived at the pub and were waiting for our lunch when I thought it would be a good idea to take the children to the toilet before our meal arrived. No problem with that until we came to leave the toilets and return to our table. The toilet doors were heavy fire doors with closers so, of course, I opened the door for the children to head back to the table and followed them out.

Unbeknown to me, my son had run his hand along the door towards the hinge and as I let go of the door his fingers became trapped between the door and the frame. Needless to say the first I knew of this was the ear piercing scream he let out, we ended up getting our lunch to go the plan being to eat this once we got home following our trip to A&E.

We all know accidents happen and of course I know I did not intentionally trap his fingers however, the guilt I feel whenever one of my children is injured is indescribable. I tend to run the chain of events over in my mind and somehow I always seem to be the one who is responsible. It is always my fault because I made the decision to go to this place, to do this activity or, alternatively, I did not do enough to prevent them from doing something that I know could end in injury because they are refusing to listen to me.

I honestly believe that I am jinxed when it comes to outings which are not visiting family at their homes. Every time I try to have adventures with my spawn it seems to end in tears, whether they are the children’s, mine or both is irrelevant.

So day trips are a struggle for me to do by myself. I have not managed to get a handle on my anxiety with this as yet. So I try and think of things we can do at home. Activities like baking or crafting, both of which trigger an instant feeling of regret as soon as we begin. Both baking and crafting are messy, especially when you are being assisted by miniature versions of yourself.

So what does that leave….not a lot. So the half term break will pass and the children will return to school with nothing fun to remember or discuss with their friends and I will feel guilty that I am not valuing this time and taking full advantage of the opportunity to make as many happy memories with my children as I possibly can.

Inevitably, we are going to be carving pumpkins and some point in the next week, I plan to get them involved with making some Halloween themed decorations and we are going to dress up for Halloween, even though we will not be able to go trick or treating this year. My husband and I are planning some games that we can safely play at home, such as bobbing for apples so there will be some fun.

I will deal with my worries as best as I can and my children are well versed with the routine for the day. They know that there are certain jobs around the house that need to be done before we can play. Nine times out of ten they are so tired initially that there is usually a couple of days of down time chilling in front of the TV. So that’s a bonus.

On top of the excitement of Halloween and half term we also have a poorly puppy which is proving quite a worry. Now I should clarify that when I say “puppy” he is actually eleven but we still call him puppy. Its like that saying “your baby is always your baby no matter how old they get”, same goes for our dog. He has been to the vets and basically his problems are due to old age apparently, but he seems to be worsening as the weekend goes on so the first job for tomorrow is a further call to the vets and hope that he starts to get better. I would be truly lost without him so I am keeping everything crossed for a speedy recovery.

So all in all the next week is going to be a challenge. My main plan for half term is that we all survive, make it to the end in one piece, have some fun and all recharge for the next half of the school term.