The Art of Conversation

I have been blessed this week with the opportunity to have some conversations with some lovely people and it has got my mind ticking with some thoughts which I thought I would share with you guys.

So my first thought was how lovely it was to have a meaningful conversation and to actually speak to someone albeit with masks firmly in place. It was reassuring to know that, as parents, we are all facing similar challenges and ready to help each other.

That help may just be reassurance that you are doing a good job. we all know that parenting is a thankless task so when you receive validation from an outside source that they think you are doing well and your kids are lovely (in public) it can give you a huge boost. In my experience and opinion, it is equally as valued when you are having a bad day or you are struggling with some behaviours that your child is exhibiting if someone acknowledges that they see you, they see your struggle and they empathise with what your going through.

I say empathise because for me, sympathy is not what I need at that moment. Empathy is appropriate because that means the situation is relatable. It is confirmation that we have all been in awkward situations where we have been at the end of our tether with no idea what way to turn next. If you can empathise and you are asked for advice or help by someone then you are, in my opinion, better placed to understand and provide whatever support they need.

The other realisation was that conversation and debate are becoming a lost form of communication. Nowadays you are more likely to converse with another person via text of some sort, such as email or via social media.

The advancement in technology is great but it seems to me that we are now living in a time where everyone wants to be seen and voice their opinions unchallenged. Personally, I think this is unhealthy. In my experience, when we are challenged in our views or opinions it enables us to learn. As a consequence we grow and mature which enables us to broaden our mindsets and understand any prejudices that we may have.

I have also spent time thinking about why I spend so much time feeling uncomfortable in my body. I have been thinking about the last time I truly felt confident and comfortable in my own skin. Surprise, surprise, it was pre-children. The last time I was truly happy with my image and body was when I was 17…in my goth phase.

And guess what? I felt the same way on Halloween when I “dressed up” to enjoy the day with the children which raises the question, why do I not dress however I want to? Well, the simple answer is because I have felt for quite some time that it would not be acceptable for me to express myself how I wish as I am firstly a “grown up” and secondly a parent.

I found that as I grew older I felt a pressure to present myself as “normal”. I am tired of being “normal” and I find it uncomfortable. It feels like I am lying to myself so that people will accept me which is crazy. It is crazy because I want people to like me but I genuinely do not care if they don’t. You don’t have to like me, all I ask is that you tolerate me and respect my choices whatever they may be.

In addition, I have been thinking a lot recently about what I do on a day to day basis for my own enjoyment. The conclusion I came to is that the majority of the things I do, I do because I feel like I have to. I do not enjoy washing dishes, washing clothes, hoovering, scrubbing toilets or helping my children with their homework. I think its time that I changed this.

One way I plan on changing this is by taking up a new (ish) hobby. I have been offered an allotment plot locally which I am going to accept. The thought of preparing Christmas gifts next year with produce that I have grown myself is really quite exciting. So that’s one change that will be in place from the new year.

The other change I have made a decision about has resulted from one of the conversations that I had earlier this week. I have been considering changing my hair for quite some time. Part of me would love to have my hair brightly coloured and outrageous but another part of me is afraid to do this. So I have reached a compromise with myself and I have taken steps to get the ball rolling.

The other realisation this week was that I do not partake in activities that I used to really enjoy. I am not sure why I stopped taking part in these activities. The only conclusion I have reached is that they were casualties of the “I’m too old now” phase I experienced when I started secondary school.

The reminder about this particular activity came from a video on a friends timeline, so thank you social media and my dear friend for the nudge. I am talking about roller skating. I love roller skating but I haven’t done it for years and I have a daughter who I think would like to learn. Roller skating is a skill that is easier to teach when you can demonstrate rather than trying to explain. So I have asked Father Christmas for some roller skates so that next year (depending on circumstances) I can take my children to roller discos or just out skating for some good old fashioned fun and exercise.

It is going to hurt but I am hopeful that it is like riding a bike and I can regain my balance pretty quickly. If not, I am sure there will be much laughter from my family members when I am falling on my arse repeatedly, and that is ok with me.

I do not personally believe in New Years Resolutions. It’s too early to be thinking about them however, I plan to use myself as an experiment. In the next 12 months I am going to do what I want when it comes to hobbies and appearance without letting my fear of judgement get in the way. Who cares if a woman in her thirties should not have pink hair, who cares if a woman in her thirties is wearing all black with black eye makeup daily, and who cares if a woman in her thirties is having fun on a pair of roller skates?

My hope is that if it works and I stop hiding my true self, then I can demonstrate to my children that the only way to be really happy with your life is to stop hiding who you are and what you enjoy. You can only hope that people will accept you regardless and try not to worry about the people that do not.

These decisions have been made as a result of two conversations with two wonderful women who have different approaches to life than I do. Two women, who are both Mothers, trying to find their way in their own lives while doing their very best to show and guide their children through life, with their own unique road maps. Just like me, and there is comfort to be found in that.

So conversation is important, debate is important and when the conversations are real, they can have a profound impact on the parties involved. It could make a huge difference to someone or it could be a minor adjustment to their thinking but, either way, it has a much bigger impact than a text or an email.

I hope that I am wrong and it isn’t a dying art. Only time will tell.