Crossroads

Apologies in advance guys. This is not a review of the soap opera from years past. Although I do love Benny!

I am having a tough end to the week. I know what you are thinking, what’s new there Mumma Bear? You are absolutely right. Why do I spend so much time moaning? Is it because I am British? I am that person that panics if there is not something to moan about, if everything is perfect I find myself worrying about what is round the corner to upset the apple cart.

I do feel guilty when I am struggling, especially if it is a parenting struggle. There are so many people out there who desperately want to be parents and it must be really galling to hear people who are lucky enough to have been blessed with children complaining about how hard it is.

We know that it’s going to be hard. We know that there are going to be sleepless nights, exploding nappies and temper tantrums and yet I am still as unprepared now as I was the day they were born.

I should be grateful all the time that I have been blessed with my children but sometimes it is really hard to feel grateful. At times it is difficult and it is heart breaking in a way that I had never expected.

I had this vision in my mind of the sort of mum I was going to be. I was going to be fun, loving and calm. I was going to always explain situations to them and demonstrate how to behave and how to be kind to others. I was going to be approachable and supportive always.

The reality is very different. I am a shouty mum, a scolding mum, a sad mum and I worry that I am doing more damage than good a lot of the time. That could be because the children are at ages where they are constantly pushing boundaries, back chatting and experimenting with their vocabulary to a degree.

Basically I feel disappointed in myself a lot of the time. Sometimes this is unjustified but sometimes the children are right.

For example, my eldest has been struggling to get to sleep at night. I did a little bit of research to see if there was anything that I could try to help him unwind.

One suggestion was to try doing a bit of colouring together before bed to help relax the mind, so I thought I would give it a go. It started really well. Both children were colouring and sharing the pencils and pens while I was reading short stories before heading in to their rooms to go to sleep. Just as I was halfway through the last story the eldest starts an argument with his sibling about his pencils because he does not want her to share and wants her to use the pens/pencils that he chooses for her.

I tried to diffuse the situation with the usual sharing talk and if he isn’t using that particular pencil then he should share it with his sister to no avail. It ended with an argument and tears.

I am unsure and full of self doubt. I question myself constantly especially with my son. I always have, even when he was a baby I would look at him and think how do I take care of him. I am clueless when it comes to boys.

All I can do is hope that he will become a man who will be considerate and respectful, particularly to women. At the moment he seems to believe that he rules the roost and the sole purpose of females is to cater to every one of his whims. I am not sure how to do that at the moment but as with everything else when it comes to parenting its all about trial and error. It is a constant battle of wills in our household again and I think I may lose.

I have often been told by my children that they do not like me. I have also told them that it doesn’t matter if they like me or not. I am their mother, I am there to care for them, to teach them and provide tools that they can use on their journeys through life. They do not have to like me, I am not here to be their friend all of the time.

Regardless of what I may say to them, it still cuts me like a knife when they say it. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, and reiterate to myself what I have stated above. I know it is the truth. I also know that everything that I do, even the mistakes that I may make is all borne out of love for them.

I may not be the mum that I had hoped and I carry a lot of guilt because there are times where all I want to do is give up and let somebody else take over. There are times that I truly believe the children drew the short straw to be lumbered with a mum like me.

However, each day is a new day and I keep trying to make it a better day than the day before. When it has been a run of hard decisions and enforcing punishments I keep going. I will not give in and I deserve some extra shots… I mean points, for that surely.

I think an additional part of my experiment over the next 12 months will have to include cutting myself some slack and taking in pride in what I am achieving rather than focusing on the areas were my performance is disappointing.

On the plus side, the dog has sobered up and is back on track, the Christmas fairy is due to visit this weekend and I am on track for my hair restyle. A little birdie has also said that Father Christmas has got my letter and my roller skates are on the way. So I must have got something right this year.