As I have said previously I grew up as an only child in a single parent family. We were not particularly well off, we lived in local authority housing and my mother was in receipt of benefits. I was entitled to free school meals as many children are. When I was growing up I was ashamed about that so would frequently skip the school meals so that the other children in my year would not know.
Personally I do not like the use of the word poverty. For me, the connotations of the word and images that the word conjures does not relate to modern life. Low income families is a term I can understand but I have never considered myself as a person that grew up in poverty. Money was tight and I am sure it is a concern that would have caused many sleepless nights for my mother over the years.
Anyway, I digress. This week I have found myself thinking about what impact, if any, the financial situation during my childhood has affected me as an adult.
It is no secret that I am “tight” when it comes to spending money on myself for luxuries. I make sure that all of the essentials are paid for prior to considering any luxury items for my use or benefit.
My husband has been lodging away for work this week so I have been alone in the evenings. When he is not at home I try to eat my meals with my children. If I do not eat with the children then it is highly likely that I will not have a meal that day. There is no reason for this other than laziness. I am too lazy to prepare a meal solely for myself.
I have said before that food is an essential, however, it is not a priority for me. My diet when I am left to my own devices is primarily ready salted crisps and mugs of tea. I hasten to add that I am aware that it is not a healthy diet and do not advocate the above as a lifestyle choice. I simply do not think about food for myself. I take pleasure from preparing meals which are enjoyed by my family so I try my hardest to eat with the children if I know that my husband is not going to be home.
I have been labelled at various points in my life as suffering with an eating disorder. Personally, I do not agree with this assessment as I have no aversion to food. Woah… Hang on a minute Mumma you have just told us what your diet consists of…your last statement stinks of denial.
So let’s consider this. If I am suffering from an eating disorder, what could be the root cause? This is where it starts to become interesting from a self analytical point of view. I put it down to laziness on my part but what if it is borne from guilt?
My mother would always ensure that I had everything I needed and as I became older and began interacting with other families I began to notice differences between their homelife and mine. The main difference was that my friends would eat as a family at the table. I, on the other hand, would eat at a table sat with my mother but she would not be eating. When I would ask her why she didn’t have any food she would respond in the same way. “Mummy is going to have her tea later”. I realise now, as a parent, that it is highly likely that my mother, like many others, was not eating later but in fact, she was going without so that I would not be hungry.
I am in a fortunate position now, we are by no means “rich” but we are comfortable. There is no reason for me to deny myself food so that my children can eat. However, when I am hungry and look in the cupboard or freezer, the first thought that always enters my brain is “that is for the children” or “if I eat that what will the children eat?”
I have been providing these thoughts with fuel because, although money is not an issue, in the current climate, safety is. Once again, I am fearful of leaving my home to buy essential items. I would rather go without than run the risk of going to the shops. There is also the conundrum that I faced previously. What am I supposed to do with the children if I need to go shopping? Is it acceptable to take the children with me or will I be the target of dirty looks and tutting as I was before?
So the question is this. Are my eating habits and lack of interest in what I eat a result of the current situation, an eating disorder or is it actually a result of growing up “in poverty”.
I have thought about making adjustments to my diet before, I have considered trying a vegan diet, for example but when I was looking at the price difference at the time between what I was buying and the vegan products, personally, I could not justify the extra cost. I knew that money would help to ease the pressure with a different element of my budget. Well…that and I like animal products.
I would imagine “penny watching” is a common behaviour amoung those of us who have grown up in low income families. We have witnessed the way that our parents struggled and we do not want to be in a similar position due to firvolous behaviour.
Maybe the businesses that are clearly profiting as a result of providing the meals for the children that now need them at home should take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themselves one question. What impact is this going to have on society in the future if I take this money. I may profit now but what impact could this have on these children when they are adults?
They may already be witnessing their parents working tirelessly, lets not put their parents in the position of having to choose if they eat themselves or the children because, believe it or not, the children will know when they grow up and it will have an impact.
For me, I am full of respect, gratitude and love for my mother but I now need to free myself of the guilt I have been carrying as a result of those choices she made. This is so that I can be physically fit, maintain my mental health and continue to provide my children with an example of how it can be done.
Mumma Bear Roars 