I remember how I felt when I found out I was pregnant all those years ago. I was terrified but as I got used to the idea I started to get excited. I was doing my research and trying to make sure that everything was just perfect ready for the new arrival. I definitely had a rose tinted view on the whole parenting thing.
Then I became a mum…and I experienced labour and delivery, the first lie I was told was that you forget the pain. To this day I can still remember that pain. As a result any other pain that I experience I can tolerate pretty well because it does not compare.
I did not know at the time but my first delivery was traumatic. My baby didn’t cry straight away and it seemed like a never ending wait before we finally heard his first cry. It was truly the sweetest sound I had ever heard. A few weeks after he was born we were at a post natal check and the doctor and midwife started discussing what a rough start he had. This was the moment I realised the reason for the delayed cry and panic started to rise within me. At the time the professionals were so calm neither my husband or I realised how serious it was. Thankfully it all turned out fine but this did trigger further anxiety in me to “get it right”. That is a whole other experience which I am not going to delve in to right now.
The next lie is that your body just bounces back to “normal” a couple of weeks after birth. There is an unrealistic expectation and pressure to get your pre-baby body back. Personally I do not think this is possible. Your body changes during pregnancy in so many ways and while some things will stop such as milk production and bleeding, some things may never be exactly the same. For me the most obvious area is my abdomen. I had two pregnancies in quick succession and the skin on my abdomen was so stretched that I do not believe it will ever be taut again. To me, it looks like a wrinkly pouch, not unlike a brain or a hairless man bag.
Believe it or not I have made peace with this particular change, it has been this way for nearly seven years and despite my best efforts with creams, lotions and exercise there has been very little change. My pouch and I are friends, I call her Pauline. This is in no way a reflection on anyone who may share the name.
Another thing people tell you is that it gets easier. I think that this is a white lie. I still feel like I am out of my depth. Yes, sleepless nights are challenging and teething is hard but just as you overcome one it is replaced with a new challenge. So as they grow up and learn you also have to keep evolving and learning, which is hard to do.
I found becoming a mum a rather isolating experience and in some ways it still is. I am now more at ease with speaking with other parents and there are some mums who I consider to be friends. There are friendships that can be made as a result of your children. You do not have to like everyone that you encounter but you do need to try and keep an open mind. The hardest part for me was putting my earlier experiences to the back of my mind and keeping an open mind about the new circle of people that starting school brought.
I do struggle with conversation. I think I have spent so long feeling invisible that my conversation revolves around the children. There was a very long period of time where other people were not interested in me, their main concern and interest was the children. Now I automatically assume that all anyone wants to talk about and hear about is the children. I personally try to always ask how the mother is first and let them talk if they need to about how they are feeling. Obviously I care about the child and want to talk about them as well but it is just as important to make sure that the mother feels like she matters just as much.
I spend a lot of time talking about mothers because that is part of my role at home. This is sexist of me and I am about to make a general assumption which is that becoming a parent does not affect a man as much as a woman. Except it must have some impact on a guy right? Surely guys have the same worries and concerns about becoming a parent as we do. However, I have never considered the impact that becoming a parent had on my husband.
I think this is because when the children were born he seemed to just get it instinctively. To me, he looked confident and at ease with no hint of any doubt in his mind that he was doing a good job. Again, our dynamic does differ to other peoples due to his working patterns and commitments which are constantly changing, but when he is home everything he does with the children is flawless.
Recently I asked him how it was for him and it turns out I had misread the situation, he was scared and worried too, the only difference was that he had enough self confidence to give it his best shot and believe that everything would be ok. There is a lot of focus on the mums and the babies but not much attention paid to the dads.
It is very easy to lose sight of your partner, particularly during the first few months. For me at the time it felt like everything my husband said to me, every attempt to reassure me, help me or comfort me was a criticism. I felt solely responsible and if he was changing nappies, doing the night feed or settling the baby then obviously I was failing as a mother.
This is absolute rubbish! Hindsight is a wonderful thing and what I can see now is that I am incredibly lucky that my husband persevered and we got through it together. The expectations I had put on myself were causing problems. The key was communication and acceptance. We needed to talk openly and honestly with each other and I needed to listen without becoming defensive. I realised that my husband wanted to be involved, he wanted to help as much as he could when he was at home so that he didn’t feel useless or unwanted. In addition, it is important that Dads are involved to help develop their bond with the child as well as giving us the confidence to spend time on ourselves with the reassurance that our baby is going to be safe.
There is only one area which Dad cannot physically assist with depending on what option works for you which is breastfeeding but everything else is fair game. Dad can change the nappies, they can settle them for sleep after a feed or, if need be, assist with burping. They can dress and bathe the baby but they have to be given the opportunity to help.
In my opinion it is a question of trust. The majority of us would have trusted and loved our partners enough before to breed with them. They have not changed, your circumstances have changed and you need to trust that they has your back. That can take time, particularly if your birth did not go to plan but nevertheless, it is important for your relationship as well as their relationship with the child.
Even now 8 years later I still feel like I am carrying this huge responsibility on my shoulders alone but when I need it I get a little nudge from a man stood behind me waving, ready to take the load for a while and when he cannot carry it himself he is ahead of me, cheering me on until I reach the finish line.
What more can you ask for?
Mumma Bear Roars 