The Dam is Breaking

I am feeling a bit off today. This week is not going as smoothly as I had hoped. Attitude and tantrums are two a penny and tensions are running high.

I wish I knew why but I am at a loss. There are only so many times that you can make excuses and provide yourself with reasons. Surely I am not the sole cause for this. There has to be a point that I have to accept that my child/children are just being horrible for the sake of it. Does thinking that way make me a bad mother?

My daughter had a hospital appointment yesterday afternoon for an ongoing issue. She is fine, we know the cause and we have a path forward so hopefully we can rectify the issue over time. However, it does mean there is one more thing to add to the ever expanding daily to do list.

My son had a team meeting with his class and teacher yesterday. Ever since then his behaviour has been vile. It may well be that the meeting has brought up feelings that he doesn’t understand or know how to deal with so he channels that in to anger and belligerent behaviour. That’s fine but does that mean that his sister and I have to accept being treated like proverbial punch bags? No!

So how do I tackle this? He refuses to talk, he refuses to listen and as a result no compromise can be reached. We just end up butting heads trying to prove who is more stubborn.

Overall this week is proving to be challenging and overwhelming. This isn’t helped by the fact that in true railway widow style my husband is on a longer than normal stint lodging away. He left on Sunday, will return on Friday at some point before leaving early on Sunday for the duration of next week as well.

I’m sure if my children were asked to rate my teaching skills this week it would be a one star review because they are entitled to better.

The sense of entitlement within society at the moment is really irritating me. Words like gratitude and appreciation do not seem to be recognised. There are so many families that are struggling to juggle all the things with no help and then there is a group of people complaining about the fact that the little help they are receiving is not enough. Be grateful you are receiving any assistance. There are many who are not.

The situation with the food parcels that are being provided for the children who need them for example. It is abhorrent that the companies involved are profiting however, at least you are receiving something to ease the struggle. There are countless families who do not qualify for this assistance who may be living on a reduced income or unable to juggle the homeschooling and work. Those families are having to live with the stress of stretching their budget and trying to fit everything in to their day that they need to do with little to no help from their employers or the government.

Maybe that is why opinions are divided. It has occurred to me that as a result of this pandemic our society is moving backwards. We seem to be reverting to a class system with an ever expanding divide between us. That, to me, is a depressing notion.

We are three weeks in and today I have broken. My morale is destroyed. Today I cannot maintain the mask. I thought I was coping but today the universe has given me the slap in the face to repay the run of good luck I had been experiencing.

If I am feeling defeated in my position then how the hell must it feel for those parents who are having to work from home as well as manage homeschooling etc.

The current climate means that even when I need help I cannot ask for it like I would in the past due to the restrictions. So what can you do?

Be grateful for the small things, the little victories are still a win and all those stupid inspirational posts we see on social media at the moment don’t mean a bloody thing. They are just words. Empty words most of the time which we attach meaning to. They have been constructed to lift our spirits. Inevitably on my news feed, these posts are followed by images of some gorgeous person juggling all of the balls and acing life which makes me think I can never be enough. Not truly. There will not be a day where I can say with my hand on my heart that I have completed all of the tasks on my to do list. The hoovering, for example is often bumped for several days.

I am sure there will be people thinking you chose to have your children, you shouldn’t have had them if you can’t cope and to those people I have one important point to make. At that moment in time I had no idea that there would be a global pandemic that would cause us to refrain from human contact with other people or mean that we would be cut off from our usual support networks that help us through difficult times.

It wouldn’t have changed my decision, I just think those people could be a bit more conscious of the unprecedented circumstances we find ourselves in.

All I really need is a good cry and a hug so I can face it all again tomorrow. What if I can’t stop my tears once they begin? I have to maintain the dam because no matter how much I may want to quit today I still have to get up tomorrow and do it all again as we all do. I know that I have to keep trying but right now I am not enough and at the end of each day I feel like I am failing in one way or another despite my best efforts.

So if, like me, you feel that you are holding it together by a thread I hope you can take some reassurance in the fact that you are not alone. I will draw on my womanly strength which I believe is the ability to keep that thread in tact even when it has been stretched to the limit. We may have our bad days but we still get up and carry on. Some days are easier than others but what choice do we have?