Going Round in Circles

Please be warned, there is reference to abuse in the following:-

The ramifications of negative experiences can be huge, whether they are big or small. For example, a negative experience in a shop may mean you choose not to purchase items there again or you may order something online and not receive what you expected. In the middle there are common experiences that we all share in life such as grief and then there is a selection of people who find themselves in abusive situations, each of which is unique and have a much larger impact.

Recently, I have noticed that out of the above situations there is only one which does not seem to invoke victim shaming. Can you guess which one? That’s right, the bad/negative experience in a shop. We are no longer allowed to grieve in peace, now we have to defend our loved ones choices or movements prior to their loss, depending on the cause or circumstances. This is wrong, if there is one thing I am sure about it is that this virus does not care how many rules you adhere to or how much you isolate yourself from the outside world. You may have stuck to every single rule through every national lockdown and yet, if you catch it then you have no one to blame but yourself.

The same can be said for victims of domestic abuse, sexual abuse or rape. As I have said above each individual experience will be unique. Each “victim” will process their experience differently, there is no “one cure fits all” when it comes to healing and each “victim” will have a different trigger.

Personally, I do not like the word victim in this context which is why I have presented this word as I have. To me, victim implies that the person who suffered is at fault in some way and are helpless. You are not at fault nor are you helpless. I am also not particularly keen on the word survivor although I do feel this is more apt in the circumstances than victim.

So, here goes nothing…I am a survivor of grooming and abuse. Whilst it is not a competition, I will say now that my experience was mild in comparison to some. Nevertheless, it has had an impact on my life and the experience was difficult. I did go to the police at the time and it was dealt with accordingly. Regardless of this, people still held me responsible and blamed me for the fact that it happened at all. What is not realised is that the process took place over a number of years. I took comfort in the knowledge that by speaking out and standing up, no other person would have to share my experience in the future.

As far as I am aware that is still the case however, I do wonder what would happen if I was contacted by someone to say that they either were abused as well or, alternatively, knew of someone who had also fallen victim. I would of course want to help them as much as I could although, I know that it would have a huge impact on my mental health. It would unearth a lot of old feelings and memories that I have worked hard to process over the years so that I can maintain my life. This would be a huge sacrifice. There is little comfort to be had in the knowledge that you did all you could if it has not prevented another person having to survive a similar experience.

There are so many small things that can spark an unpleasant memory. A smell, a place, a phrase or a song can cause an unexpected reaction, so to receive an email or phone call requesting advice or assistance would floor me and I would have to start healing all over again. It takes a lot of strength and support to speak out in these situations and to heal from an experience like this. The last thing anyone in an abusive situation needs is the fear of being blamed themselves or judged for making the decision to speak out.

In addition, if someone has already spoken out against an abuser and done as much as they possibly could to make people aware of the threat the abuser could pose, they do not deserve to be contacted by angry third parties who are aware of further victims. That is not fair and, quite frankly, it is cruel. No one that I know would deny a request for help, however, take your anger elsewhere because that is not deserved, especially when they have already done as much as they possibly can to raise awareness of an issue and protect others from a similar fate.

I can understand the frustration and anger. I can even understand why the victim will be blamed by some people. In some scenarios the accusations may not marry up with the image that you have of someone, particularly a loved one. That is expected to a degree, however, a survivor does not expect nor should they accept others who were not involved passing judgement on them. In my opinion that is the purpose of the legal system.

I choose not to be defined by the negative experiences in my life. I know that I am safe and my children are safe. Counselling has helped me to relax a little, not all men pose a threat. I still have bad days where my experiences weigh on my mind and I am hyper aware and vigilant, especially with new people. I do not dwell on it and I do not allow it to hold any power over me, like my own personal Goblin King.

There are still the odd moments which catch me unaware but I have begun to try and re-associate my triggers with positive experiences. My children have been vital in providing me with a positive associations to outweigh the negatives and I am grateful for that. Their arrival has not helped me to “get over it” but it did cause me to shine a light on my experience and confront it during my counselling sessions.

I always like to provide a balanced point of view. With this particular subject that is difficult. I know that I was telling the truth all those years ago however, there are times when people can make accusations maliciously. This is where the waters are muddied. The more accusations made of this nature as a result of malicious intent, the more doubt it can cast on those who have genuinely been assaulted or abused. In addition, the detrimental impact that malicious accusations can have on the accused needs to be recognised. It is not a joke and as a result, it needs to be approached with the utmost respect. The survivors of abuse deserve that. they have earnt the respect of us all because they spoke out to lay the foundations of the paths for us to follow, to enable us to speak out and therefore, protect future generations.

For me at least, I hope that by standing up I have contributed in some small way to making the world a safer place for my children.