I hope that everyone is safe and well. I hope that you are all enjoying a much needed break over this half term but I have to say I am feeling a little lost and disheartened this week.
I feel like I should be doing loads of fun filled activities with my children making the most of the time off but I have absolutely no idea what to do with them. We are halfway through the week and I am barely managing to complete the basic tasks.
I feel absolutely knackered and I do not want to do anything at all other than sit on my backside watching films and TV shows. Unfortunately during the day the TV is off limits to Mummy unless it is a LEGO programme or Disney film. That’s fine, I have my phone to entertain myself but I feel guilty. If I am doing that then I am not really engaging with them however, to defend myself I have been really hands on and engaged with them constantly.
There has been and continues to be a lot of pressure on parents, particularly focused on the mental health of our children during this current lockdown. I have felt, at times, overwhelmed with panic, concern and guilt regarding my actions and the impact that I am having on this aspect of my children’s wellbeing. In turn, I feel that this pressure has affected my own ability to cope and maintain my own mental health.
There are all of these different balls that we have had to juggle for so many weeks, with no end in sight, it is inevitable we are all going to have bad days and good days. However, the question is how do you help your own child if you are struggling yourself? I have always believed that you need to take care of yourself before you can help someone else, especially if you are struggling at that time.
So given that there are all of these expectations, how can you be kind to yourself when you feel like your failing to meet these expectations. I have tried, believe me, but there is always a little voice saying “stop making excuses and get on with it”. It is a daily struggle, but I have a routine which works, it keeps us all ticking the boxes and now a large part of that routine isn’t required for a week.
So what do I do to fill that gap? Nothing, nothing at all because I am tired. The children are tired. I am tired of hearing my own voice, they are tired of hearing my voice. They are very excited by the idea of returning to their school and seeing their teachers and friends. I think what excites them most about the possibility of returning to school is not being stuck with Mummy day in and day out.
I get that. The best thing that can happen for all of us in this household is some time apart. School will provide that so I am keeping everything crossed that next week there will be a date set for that to happen.
It sounds awful to say that I need time out from my children. It feels like it should feel unnatural but it doesn’t. My children are not babies or toddlers. They need that time to be independent and make their own decisions without Mummy watching their every move.
That’s why Mummy has been staying in bed for an extra hour or so this week. it has nothing to do with the fact that I have been struggling to get to sleep. I am allowing them to explore their independence. Yay! They have been loving that time to themselves to play with their toys or make their own breakfasts. Today for example, my son took advantage of the newly finished kitchen and made himself some toast for breakfast. My daughter played in her bedroom with some velcro building things that she got for Christmas. The house was calm and quiet. There was glorious silence.
Even puppy seemed happy curled up in his bed, safe in the knowledge that there would be no need to worry about any accidents as the boy had kindly let him out for his morning jaunt to empty his bladder nice and early.
The flip side of the independence is my son apparently cannot open jars or butter containers so was shouting for help before the toast became too cold to melt the butter and my daughter ended up with a velcro building tangled in her hair resulting in a panic that it would have to be cut out of her hair. Good fun all round. Don’t worry, Mummy worked her magic and disaster was averted.
Excuses, excuses, I know.
I have even been struggling to stick to the self imposed schedule that I have set for myself to publish posts for this blog. Originally, when I started it was to tell my story and to write about the journey I am on to reclaim my identity as a person rather than as someone’s mother. Unfortunately it feels like this has had to be put on hold temporarily due to the situation with lockdown.
Hopes that I had for 2021 and goals that I had set for myself have had to be placed on the back burner, yet again, purely because I am a mother and as much as I love my children I am concerned that I am becoming resentful of the fact that, when it comes to the children, it always feels like it falls on my shoulders.
I will reiterate that this is not a reflection on my husband at all. It is a reflection on society generally. There are a lot of blogs which are written by Mothers and there are a lot of influential mothers on social media who are saying the same thing. The expectation is that Mothers will deal with the child care, Mother’s will shoulder the responsibility for juggling homeschooling and working.
Let’s be honest, it takes two to tango and a 50% contribution from each party to create these mini-me’s and yet once they are here that seems to be forgotten. No one gives a mother a pat on the back for taking care of their child because it is expected but, it seems if you are a Father playing a part in the childcare to allow your wife/partner a break or some time to pursue their career you are applauded and praised by all.
Anyway that’s a whole other issue which is probably much more complicated than it seems in my brain. Equality for all seems like a simple concept, it should be simple and yet there are so many discrepancies within our society that it must be incredibly complex. Much more complicated than I can possibly comprehend. Equality between the sexes, or the lack thereof, has certainly been highlighted for me over the past few months.
I have enrolled on a free course on Instagram to learn more about how to support the mental health of my children and hopefully to help rebuild their confidence and self esteem. I am a little concerned that any decline in their self esteem, confidence or any aspect of their mental health will be my fault. None of us make it through life unscathed, however, I have tried my best to limit negative experiences for them throughout their lives but they have witnessed Mummy crying, feeling helpless and not having all the answers over the past few months. I have no idea what impact, if any, those incidents have had. Only time will tell I suppose.
In the meantime, I will keep giving myself good excuses for not reaching my goals and continue plugging away as and when I can in the hope that I will reach them eventually.
Mumma Bear Roars 