Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all. Apologies in advance of any typos or mistakes that may appear in the following but I have been having a real nightmare with technology over the past couple of days. I am by no means a technical buff but tomorrow there will be various phone calls, I am sure, trying to sort the issues out.

I hope everyone has had a lovely day. My day started off well but ended on a sour note with tears and self loathing.

I said in my last post that I felt shaken. This seems to have escalated and now I feel completely and utterly lost. Nothing makes sense and it seems the world has gone mad. I cannot keep up.

Maybe lockdown has broken me? Maybe I have just lost all of my resolve. Conversation seems impossible. No one seems to respond or offer any advice any more? Maybe I need to call my counsellor and arrange another session although even if I do this all that will happen is they will listen. I don’t need a listening ear right now I need someone to give me a shove and motivation.

Never mind. I am sure I will rediscover it myself.

Anyway, the long and short is that I snapped today and now hate myself for it. My eldest was, in my opinion, behaving in a selfish, entitled and demanding way today. This has been happening for some time. I don’t know why and, despite my best efforts, I am unable to make him understand that it is unacceptable.

Why did it blow up today? I have been thinking of ways to realise my childhood ambitions. What better way to learn than teach by example hey. I broached the idea with my husband who was supportive of the idea but after making enquiries and discussing it further I think it will remain out of my grasp.

I have been researching journalism courses and ways to realise that dream. I have made some enquiries but alas, it is highly likely that I will be rejected. If I am, that’s fine, maybe they can let me know what I need to do to be eligible to take the course and then I can follow that path. Cost aside the main obstacle will be entry requirements and whether or not it is an option for someone of my age.

I have taken a step. I have made the enquiry and we will see what comes of it. Do I believe it is an option? If I wasn’t capable when I was younger why would I be now? In all honesty surely it will be harder now given the other responsibilities in my life but if don’t try will I regret it? yes, I may regret it and it will be a “what if” in my life, but I am terrified of discovering that, regardless of how hard I try, I am just not good enough for the profession.

It’s a big dream and if I am not able to fulfil that dream the impact has the potential to be devastating. It’s one thing failing at being a working Mumma Bear, I can blame that on my health but if I fail at realising this dream once I have committed to it then what am I left with.

Due to my frame of mind, social media is pulling me into a deeper hole of self loathing at the moment. Ridiculous, I know but I cannot help and compare myself to others especially as contact with friends is limited and conversation is missing. I am missing conversation. I am missing debate, I am missing hugs and, most of all I am missing laughter.

There is no comic relief to be found in the week that has past and I fear that the question of “too soon” is going to pass my lips frequently in the months that follow.

That’s a risk I am willing and longing to take. Hopefully this will be over soon and life can resume. In the meantime I need to find something that can keep me entertained and balanced. Some “self care” is needed. That is another term I am uncomfortable with as I am unsure of what that means and how it is possible to fit that into your day together with all the requirements and expectations that need to be met.

The other thought that has hit me like a freight train is a worry that I had when I became pregnant. It was a concern of mine that I was too selfish to be a parent. I grew up as an only child and the implication by many is that, as a result, I am selfish. That could well be true. The definition of the word is “lacking concern for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure”. If I pursue my dream I would be doing it for my own gratification. As a result to prove that I am not selfish I should put the dream back on the shelf where it should remain.

On the flip side of this the thought has also occurred to me that the children are getting older and, should be taking more responsibility for themselves leaving me with more time for me. Would furthering my education count as self care in a way by providing me with something to focus on other than them. By not pursuing this am I setting myself up for heartbreak? They are growing up and before I know it they will be off exploring the world on their own, living their lives and I will be watching from the sidelines.

Who knows what will happen in the future. What I do know is that I need to get my head together and make a decision either way. Until I know whether or not it is an option there is no point in worrying about it but I will keep you posted.