Is it really a Surprise?

It is an accepted statistic that men are more likely to commit suicide. There are many theories about why.

It is an act that creates more questions than answers. One of my biggest fears is that my son will become one of those statistics when he reaches adulthood.

Mental health is a very complicated aspect of our general well-being. Agreed? There are plenty of campaigns and people advocating to remove the stigma attached which is great however I do worry that it is an issue which is becoming trivialised.

Everyone should be able to speak out about their demons, everyone should have access to a safe space in which to speak about their feelings and to talk through their thoughts without fear of repercussions or judgement but is this a realistic goal in our society?

I’m not convinced. Over the years it has been said that one of the causes for this disparity is “toxic masculinity”. Admittedly I am a woman so I may have misunderstood this term, however, as I understand it this particular term relates to the idea that men must always be strong, not show emotion and never talk about their feelings. As a result it seems as a society we try to encourage men to talk about their feelings and concerns openly.

On the flip side of this men are subjected to a lot of negative and damaging stereotypes. There is a lot of “man bashing” online. For example, husbands know two words that are the key to a successful and happy marriage. “Yes dear” is a phrase my husband often says to me during a debate which often closes conversations because, in case you haven’t guessed, I am always right even when I am wrong.

Another dangerous and damaging stereotype is the idea that all heterosexual men are predators and are only interested in carnal relations with the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter how smart or witty you are because all they want is a quick bump in the night and all of their actions are done with that end goal in mind. This particular stereotype is damaging to all parties in different ways.

For example, if a woman posts something on social media about a man they are planning to meet, who they no longer feel comfortable about meeting due to a suggestion made by said man, and another man questions what the other side of the story may be, he will inevitably be lambasted as not understanding the concept of consent etc.

Another example may be that a lady posts on a social media group about the state of her marriage and how awful her husband has been. There will be comments about how she is too good for him and deserves better, but if you consider the possibility that there are two sides to every story your not a good person.

Men and women are different. Our minds work differently and we perceive situations differently. In fact, as individuals we all perceive situations differently. As a result we all need to be mindful of the other side if a space is to remain neutral and beneficial for all members. We should also remember that on social media, in particular, you will often only see one side of the story.

If you were to ask my son if he is taken care of and loved at different points in a day you will get a different answer. If he has behaved inappropriately and as a result has lost a privilege he will tell you that I am a terrible horrible evil mum who treats him unfairly. If he is enjoying a reward then he is blissfully happy and loves his mummy very much. It all depends on the circumstances. I am sure that there are times that if you were to speak only to my children it would sound as if they are neglected and unloved. It isn’t true but unless you spoke to me to hear my perspective or reasoning about a situation then it would be easy to misjudge me. That logic should apply in all situations.

Is it possible that a contributing factor to the mental health of men is a seemingly relentless attack about how they are all predators with one track minds whose sole ambition is to get laid as much and as often as possible. We have all been subjected to perfect images and ideas about how we should be and have felt the impact of such at some point. Victims of bullying who are constantly subjected to criticism and negativity often have low self esteem and confidence issues. Therefore, is it really a surprise that a large percentage of suicide victims are men?

It baffles me that in 2021, society is surprised by the worrying statistics in relation to male suicide. We operate on a “be kind” premise but it seems that this idea only applies to certain individuals and not all. It does not seem to apply if you are a man or if you do not hold the same views as someone else. In that sense it is a hypocritical concept don’t you think?

It appears that men are becoming more isolated. It seems as if men cannot say anything to a woman nowadays without being accused of an ism or mansplaining. If we are unable to engage and discuss issues together how can there ever be equality and understanding between us.

The narrative needs to change in order for there to be equality. Another thing that needs to change is the concept that consent is a woman’s right only. Men need to consent as well, it is a two way street. We, as women, need to realise that just because the snake may be awake does not mean that he wants to play necessarily. We should still ask the question out of respect for the other party. This is something that I will be teaching both of my children as and when the time is right.

Isolation and fear are the enemy when it comes to mental health issues. If there are no safe places for men to speak out male suicide is likely to continue to increase leaving more families to navigate their grief. There are too many in this situation already and it needs to change.

All of the above are my thoughts and opinions only. Some may agree, some may not but we can all agree that too many people are losing their lives. We may never know why but we need to try something for the sake of the generations that will follow.