Back to school is always a strange time of year. The summer holidays are guaranteed guilt filled time of year with a good dose of self loathing thrown in for good measure. By the time the six weeks holiday are finished it is met with relief, joy, some trepidation and, of course, guilt.
Relief that we have all survived relatively unscathed. Joy that the children are happy to return and continue on their journey to becoming independent educated adults. Trepidation because they are starting a new class with a new teacher. What if they don’t like them? What if they struggle with the different subjects? It’s always a concern for me.
However, the overwhelming emotion on the first day is guilt. Did we make enough happy memories this year? Probably not. Was the holiday full of fun and laughter? Definitely not! Did you look after children adequately? Well, they are still alive so I’m going to count that as a win.
The question is why do I feel this guilt regardless of what has or hasn’t happened. It makes no difference whether they had lots of activities and experiences or not, I still feel guilty.
This year it was not entirely my fault. We did have a couple of small breaks away staying in the trailer tent. It was lovely catching up with friends, sight seeing and generally beneficial to have a change of scenery.
But, despite our best efforts, that bloody virus got hold of us, landing us in isolation for the two weeks that we had scheduled to dedicate to making memories as a foursome. Damn!!
When we were finally allowed out we had two days to get all the back to school bits and pieces before the children returned. Buying school shoes, uniform, stationary followed by frantically labelling clothes and packing bags.
Once they have returned I am left asking “what do I do now?”
The answer is obvious. All the tasks that I have been doing without the cacophony of noise that children provide. It’s been rather lovely. I have had my hair done, been to the allotment which is a mission all of its own and chatting to the dog who, incidentally, seems to have developed an obsession for his rear end recently. He is a thrilling conversationalist as you can imagine.
The fact is regardless of what way I turn I will always feel like I have let my family down. For example, I made a decision to try and build a business from home. I thought it was a good idea however, I have not been particularly successful with the building aspect. Why? Something else always seems to get in the way. At least that’s what I tell myself but the truth is I haven’t made enough effort. So I have let my family down.
I went to a conference to get some pointers and motivation to push forward. It seemed like a fantastic opportunity but I spent most of the time feeing anxious and out of place. I could not stop thinking about what might be happening at home and worrying that the children would feel like I had abandoned them in some way.
I have joined a local woman’s rugby team which is fantastic for my mental health and I personally love it. However, it has placed restrictions on our lives and it is taking time out of taking care of the children. There are certain activities that they cannot engage with because it falls on the wrong day and I, selfishly, want to go to training. Maybe I should give it up for their benefit.
Would that remove my level of guilt? The likelihood is that the guilt would be replaced by a different emotion. An emotion that is not as easy to control, it would probably be replaced by frustration. I think I will stick with guilt.
I need to remind myself of the long term impact that my actions may have. I may not be building my business rapidly but I am still building it. I may be out of the house one night a week and the odd Sunday but the children can see the improvements that I am making from one week to the next.
They do not come to training but there is a difference in my demeanour at home. I hope there is. Time will tell. At the end of the day isn’t it better that I dedicate some time in the week to something other than the children and home? If I do not start to do this there is a big chance that once they leave home I will have a breakdown. It’s got to be better for me to have an interest that is unrelated to them.
Generally I feel better. For the most part training has been a really positive experience. The other ladies on the team are all amazing but I have realised they are filled with just as many self doubts as I am. We are all self conscious and every single one of us apologises when we feel we are letting the side down. Every single time this happens there is an overwhelming response from each individual providing reassurance and encouragement.
It has made me question my previous experiences with groups where the majority were females. I cannot remember a time where I have felt that I could rely on a group of people that I did not know particularly well. It is an alien experience for me as it simply has not happened before. I have always known that I can depend on my closest friends, few of whom are the same sex as me If I’m honest, I am still a little scared to hope that I am a part of the team and that they will be there to support me if I need them.
I am used to providing the support rather than asking or receiving it. It has been humbling to witness the above in action. For that alone I am and will remain grateful. So I am going to be selfish because I am not ready to exclude myself from this group. Sorry kids!!
Anyway, this post is just a general update of my thoughts and experiences recently. I know I have been quiet but *insert suitable excuse here*…you know the drill.
Mumma Bear Roars 