Paranoia has Returned

So, occasionally, my self confidence declines. I rarely know why, it is just one of those things. Unfortunately it is on a down at the moment.

A side effect of a loss of confidence for me tends to be an unreasonable feeling that I am disliked and people are talking about me. I know it is unreasonable because in all likelihood they probably haven’t even noticed me.

What triggers these moments? I wish I knew. I completed my first full rugby training session this evening following a bad cold, which meant that I was unable to attend for a couple of weeks. Maybe that is why I felt anxious this evening.

There are other thoughts that creep in as well. I wish these feelings were limited to rugby but it affects all aspects of my day to day life. Are people criticising my parenting or my appearance on the school run. Can they see that I am insecure?

I am that person who always seems to be on the periphery in group situations. The one stood back from the crowd allowing her mind to convince her that everyone thinks she’s the bitch. To me, the logical conclusion as I am the consistent feature in these moments.

More importantly, if they knew would they care? For example, after our first match are we supposed to shower communally? I know that I will not be able to face that. How can I be naked in front of other people when I can hardly bear to see myself naked in a mirror? That will just add a whole other element of worry for me, the main concern being that people will be judging my “gardening” skills. If I don’t shower then I’m going to be seen as some horrible dirty grub. So I cannot win.

Logically, my brain says that is a ridiculous concern to have. No one is going to be interested or looking because they will all be focusing on getting clean themselves, right? Nevertheless it is still there.

None of this helps with figuring out why I have these moments of self doubt. Maybe it’s due to the change of the seasons. Maybe it’s due to those crazy hormones. Either way, I tend to be less able to keep myself in check when I’m facing a challenging time with the children.

At the moment the children and I are having time keeping issues. I’m trying to let go of the reins a little to encourage them to be more independent which is really hard to do when you are a self proclaimed control freak. Consequently, I am regularly losing, my cool with them which has, on occasion led to the odd profanity leaving my mouth.

I try to find external causes for the changes in behaviour I see. However, it is possible that I am the cause. We seem to be starting every day with an argument which typically last from the time we wake up until they go to school. It’s exhausting. Half the time I’m not even sure why, but it has become the new norm.

I am not sure how but it’s bound to be my fault somehow, it normally is. After all, I am mum.

Isn’t it strange how little changes as you get older. I remember when I was a teenager thinking that when I was an adult I wouldn’t care anymore about how I look or what people think. I’m not sure why I thought it would be different, probably because I thought grown ups had all the answers.

It’s disappointing to now realise thats not the case. I still have the same hang ups now that I did then. In fact it’s probably worst now, thanks to my joey pouch.

I have said before that the other team members are so supportive of each other. I think that includes me. Unfortunately my paranoia and anxiety is trying really hard to get me to quit. My brain is spending a lot of time trying to convince me that I’m the problem and the team would be better off if I were to step away.

I’m not going to let it. I have been pushing myself to get back to training despite the after effects of this cold. Fingers crossed it will pass. I’m sure if I spoke up to the team I would be on the receiving end of reassurance and encouragement, but there are other people that need that support at the moment. My concerns and worries are not important. I just need to push through and keep improving.

I do need to stress that this is not due to anyone’s actions or comments. It’s just where my head is at. I would hate for anyone to read this and think that it has been caused by them. It hasn’t!! No one had done or said anything. It is purely a crisis of confidence on my part. I will get over it. I’ll just take it one day at a time.

In the meantime, I’ll be the one in the corner of the playground looking like she has driven a Delorean from the 80’s when in actual fact, my shoulders may have swollen slightly due to learning to tackle and ruck. Hopefully I will be running round the pitch avoiding the majority of the big hits from some scary opponents

Either way I am determined to play at least one match before throwing in the towel and letting my demons win the battle.