What do you need?

It’s a simple question that I seldom ask myself. What do I need?

Well, for once it is an easy question to answer, I require several things which I wish to share with you now.

The first thing I need is a new radiator for my car. I believe that Mildred decided that today was the day to throw her toys out of the pram and demand some attention by disposing of the coolant/water refills provided in a rapid fashion. It’s rather inconsiderate and unreasonable of her, in my opinion, to take this course of action but it’s done now. She will be receiving the attention that she craves shortly from a loving mechanic who will sooth her aches and seal her holes with a gentle caress soon and hopefully that will keep her fulfilled for some time.

The second thing I need is an exorcist. Any recommendations are welcome. All I’m worried about is that they can extract the demon that seems to have taken up residence in my 8 year old son recently. No one warned me about this when he was born. There is plenty of advice and warnings for weaning, potty training, the terrible twos and starting school but as they are getting older there seems to be radio silence. I k or that I am making a lot of mistakes, my patience and tolerance for rudeness and violent outbursts are wearing thin.

It’s just a phase right? One of the many waves that we have to conquer and keep our fingers crossed that we do not drown before we reach the crest. I have made several attempts to scale the waves but, like Elsa battling with Noku to cross the dark sea I am yet to succeed and I am at a loss.

The third thing I need is a cleaner because I am losing steam with constantly cleaning up everything all of the time. Actually I don’t need a cleaner but I need a bucket load of motivation. This will be forthcoming soon as it is the festive season so the decorations need to go up, cakes need icing, presents need wrapping (potentially, that depends on how good the exorcist is) and the house will be driving mad by Boxing Day so the house will be treated to a deep clean in the new year.

There are two more things that I need and something tells me I will need to find these on my own because Father Christmas will not be able to deliver in time. They are courage and self belief.

So, as some of you may know, I joined a ladies rugby team in the summer. It was, for me, the best decision I have made so far on my journey. It had provided me with new friendships and a focus. Admittedly my initial reason for joining was to provide an example to my children but as time has elapsed the reason to attend training changed. It is not for them, it is for my benefit and to fulfil my needs and passion for a sport that I have enjoyed observing for many years. All in all it has been a positive and enjoyable experience.

You may be wondering why I need courage and self belief to continue. Well, the team has its first match coming up, time seems to be disappearing and I am very conscious that rather soon people will be able to smell my fear because I am terrified. Despite my best efforts I still cannot tackle, I cannot kick, I cannot pass the ball correctly, in fact, the only thing I seem to be able to do is run rather quickly. Having said that being fast is only helpful in a game if you can stay out of touch and that too is a skill I have not mastered.

I thought my biggest fear would be of injury but surprisingly my biggest fear is of humiliating myself, my family and my team on the pitch. I’m sure there are many people who are nervous when they do something new for the first time, I know there will be others within the team who are beating themselves up for similar reasons.

It’s silly when the other team members do that to themselves because I watch them and I have seen them progress and they are all awesome. I do not hesitate to tell them that or give them a little squeeze (screw you pandemic) if I can because they are all amazing. It is easier to see skill and talent in others than it is in ourselves.

I try not to share my woes and fears because we all have our own that we need to process. I prefer to disappear and keep quiet however, I have been seriously considering giving up. I still am if I’m being honest.

Luckily my alter ego is really stubborn and I’m not going to be the person to let them all down by not showing up but it’s going to take a lot of courage and self belief to walk on to that pitch and face the opposition.

We have two training sessions left before the 12 December. Wish me luck because I think I’m going to need it, luck and a big bowl of shreddies to “keep hunger locked up…” oh no, now I am showing my age.

Effectively I am in a strange limbo with my mental health at the moment. There are multiple masks in use and I am struggling to merge them into one to show a true representation of who I am as a person. There is theme that is the desperate flailing rugby player who wants to do well for the team, make her family proud and not screw it up. There is the me that is the mother who cannot figure out what is going on with her children because there are so many mood swings she has whip lash. There is the me that is the housewife and the me who wants to be a writer, both of which I am doing a pretty poor job at currently.

I have not yet figured out how to incorporate those elements. Effectively, what I need most is an overhaul of my life and according to the self help books I have read I need to arm myself with a list, a calendar, set some goals, visualise how I want my life to look in the future, remove the distractions (regardless of how cute they may be. Please see the photo for reference) and everything will work out the way I want. All I have to do is believe and it will be so. Oh, I forgot a key component to make al your dreams come true and that is a lot of hard work.

All in all I only really need one thing and that’s a bloody good kick up the backside to get me moving in the right direction. Anyone else fancy slacking off to eat cake and drink copious amounts of tea or coffee with me instead? Nah…I didn’t think so, better crack on with the hard work then hey.