My Sanctuary

Hey everyone!! I haven’t written for a while. The truth is I have been preoccupied. My brain has been full of so many thoughts about so many issues and events that are happening in the world right now. Frankly, there are no words within my vocabulary that are adequate and it would be a disservice to write about issues that I know very little about.

As I know very little about many many things, especially big world events which are terrifying, I have been focusing on small things that I either know about or can learn more about. One of those focuses has been rugby.

To escape my thoughts I have thrown myself into playing rugby. As you know this is a new hobby of mine and I have to say, again, it is the best thing I ever did. You already know this, however I fear that my new passion has caused me to become a very boring person that no one really wants to interact with. So I thought maybe if I wrote about it instead maybe that would free up some space to talk about the weather and other such things with people rather than just waiting for an opportunity to talk about rugby.

The team have had a couple of matches recently, both of which were amazing experiences to learn from and enjoy. When we played our first match I played at 11 which is a winger. For those who know very little about the sport there is the team and within the team there are two groups of players known as the forwards and the backs.

Typically the forwards do the heavy duty aspects of the game such as scrummaging, line outs and taking a large proportion of the contact during the games.

The backs are the players who run fancy plays, utilising their footwork and speed in order to score. Wingers are backs. So in the first match I was a back. You may recall that I picked up an injury to my knee during that match. It has been recovering and holding up really well although it’s still a tad delicate.

Imagine my surprise when in the next match we are due to play, I am to play with the forwards at 7. I was terrified that I was going to be hurt, badly!! I wasn’t, surprisingly and it felt great to be on the pitch with my team mates brimming with pride.

Fast forward a week and I’m back on the wing. This is going to be a fantastic match!! I was confident and excited. The game began and I was determined I was going to get that damn ball…up until I had to come off before the end of the first quarter. My niggling knee decides it doesn’t want to play nice.

I learnt a valuable lesson. That lesson was it is safer to play with the forwards than as part of the backs!

It was a fantastic match, the team performance was immense. Our captain, as always, led by example as she scored the Valkyries first ever try off the back of some amazing work put in by the forwards pack. It may have been the first but it certainly won’t be the last and is testament to how far we have come.

I was gutted to not be out there but that does not mean that I cannot be proud of the achievement.

After each match I am asked if I am proud of my performance. The truth is I am rarely proud of what I, personally, have done on the pitch. I am, however always proud of whatever is achieved by the team as a group.

This does make me self conscious. I am aware that my inability to accept compliments or positive feedback means I am an infuriating person. I am also hyper aware that every time I get out there to play I seem to end up broken in some way. Granted I have only played three matches but the fact remains that two out of this three matches, injury has meant I could not continue. This fact in turn means that I have let my team mates down because somebody else has to put themselves on the line to take my place.

I hate being that person. I want to be the person who can handle it all and play on regardless. The rest of the team manage to play on so why can’t I? Maybe I’m just too much of a wimp for this sport.

Believe it or not I am not a person who is comfortable displaying my emotions. I do not want to be seen as the emotional woman who cries before she steps out on the pitch. I worry about it because I do not want my tears to cause people to think it is some vain attempt to have my ego stroked. It most certainly is not!!

I am afraid, as I’m sure many others are who are suffering or recovering from an injury that the longer I am out, the higher the likelihood is I will be replaced and no longer wanted as part of the squad.

Somebody who is younger and fitter will come along and slot in. Of course, I want this to happen. I want new players to join us to continue the Valkyries. However, there is still that little girl’s voice in my head saying “you’ll never be as good as them” or “why would they want you back when they have so and so?” Stupid, I know, but now I have found a place that I can just exist as me, I do not want to be excommunicated. Young and old we get through it together. I want to help wherever possible. I don’t want to lose that.

I am in awe of each and every Valkyrie regardless of where they are on their journey. The amount of work, the force of their tackles, their commitment to the team and most of all the love they have for each other. Although I may struggle to express myself, I am happy to be there in the background, as it feels like I have found a home away from home.

There are issues with that fact. My focus has been shifted. I strive to be better and to improve every time I am at a training session or playing a game against an opposition.

The issue I have is guilt. I feel guilty that twice a week I am not at home taking care of children. I feel guilty that my house is not as well cared for as it once was. I mean, we aren’t living in a hovel but it isn’t the sparkling palace it could be. I feel guilty because the routines have changed. There isn’t as much time to dedicate to homework when there are games on the weekends.

I feel guilty because when I am at training or on that pitch my family do not enter my mind once. I am so focused on what I am doing that I am not worried about whether they are ok. Logically, the reason I can do that is because I trust my husband completely. That is perfectly normal. However, there is small section of society who would have you believe that unless you are thinking about your children 100% of the time you are an unfit parent.

To those people I say that it is beneficial to my children that I am not 100% available all the time. It is also beneficial to me. How can that be?

My children see me when I am afraid or nervous, sometimes both and that shows them that it is ok to feel this way. In addition, they watch me, knowing how nervous I am, walk out on to that pitch and do my best. They see the team lose matches and the players are filled with pride walking off with their heads held high, not hanging their heads in shame.

They don’t just see me playing out there, they see each and every Valkyrie go out and do their best. For my son in particular, it has demonstrated that it isn’t about being the best, it is about trying your hardest so you can still hold your head high.

He is becoming more confident, taking some more risks and trying something new. He recently joined the local Cubs troop I was concerned that he would struggle but he is loving it.

What does my daughter see? Not very much in terms of games to be honest, but she is making new friends and she sees a group of confident women playing a game that they love regardless of what ever anyone else has to say about it. As she gets older I hope that it will give her the confidence to pursue her dreams whatever that may be.

So you see, female rugby players, particularly the ones I know, are doing a lot more than “just” playing rugby. They are also providing valuable lessons which include confidence, bravery, trust, and in time, how to recognise that you are beaten and it is time to walk away.

Just in case any of them read this I want them to know that I am grateful to each and everyone of you for the love and support you give to me and each and every one of you are my heroes!

However, if one of our coaches should by chance read this I have a small request. Can we drop bronchos, bear crawls and gym sessions please 😉. Thank you.