Easter holidays are here!! That means a lot of happy memories being made, right? I don’t suppose anyone knows how to achieve this when sibling fights are occurring multiple times a day? If so, please feel free to share your tips with me.
The holidays started off rather well. The first weekend was enjoyed by all including myself. My enjoyment came from watching the Valkyries taking part in a rugby festival at home. Unfortunately, due to a prolonged headache I was unable to take part so had to sit on the sidelines.
I was there cheering the team on as loudly as I could, alongside my husband and son. The girl was off playing with some of the other children, making friends. It is a skill that she has which I cannot help but feel a little envious of.
How do children do that? Is it due to a lack of fear regarding first impressions? Maybe because they haven’t reached that stage in their education yet where you are told first impressions count.
Anyway we were all having a lovely time. I have said previously that I have found my sanctuary within rugby which is true in more ways than one. I had not realised how at ease I feel at the club until Sunday.
It had taken a long time for me to find somewhere that I can relax and allow the children to be children. My anxieties and fear of judgement in the past have meant that I have watched them like a hawk to ensure that they remember their manners, play nicely with others and, if I’m honest, for their safety. Due to my personal experiences which were out of my control it takes me a long time to trust people, especially around my children.
However, I have always felt at ease with my children being at the rugby clubhouse. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because I am a member of the women’s team, although I am not sure how many of my team mates would be able to pick my children out in a line up. I have tried to keep them separate from the team.
Why would I do that when I love each and every one of my teammates? I have been thinking about that a lot this week. I have reached two conclusions.
The first reason is due to my selfishness. I have finally, after all these years, found somewhere that I am only known as me. In all other aspects of my life I have to juggle several hats, occasionally I have to switch them every minute. It’s nice to have the opportunity to be hat free for a couple of hours each week.
The second reason is because I am very sensitive when it comes to comments or judgements made about my children. It is another flaw in my personality. I struggle to accept compliments but criticisms hit home and cause me to overthink. In fact, it doesn’t even need to be a criticism, just a throw away comment can trigger an over analysis of the situation.
A prime example occurred at the weekend at the club. The club is the only place that I have felt safe enough to allow the children to just do what they would like without any concern for their wellbeing. It feels secure and safe for them to be on the pitch playing while I am getting a drink or a packet of crisps from the bar.
So a throw away joke was made about my kids. It wasn’t a nasty joke it was a perfectly innocent comment which under normal circumstances would not have caused any issue. For me, Sunday was not a normal situation, it was the first time that I have been unable to play in a match, so I was emotional due to not being on the pitch and not making any contribution at all to the Valkyries first draw.
When I got home and put the children to bed my brain went in to overdrive and remained that way for a couple of days. I messaged people apologising for the way my kids had behaved, just as a precaution because as far as I knew the kids had been well behaved and played nicely with the others that were there.
Nevertheless, the mum guilt kicked in and suddenly I was questioning what I was doing. Maybe I should step away from rugby and be their mum instead of taking that time out to remove the hat each week. Was it possible that because I am taking that hat off for a few hours that this was now having a detrimental effect on their development and behaviour? Alternatively, maybe I should ensure that there are arrangements made so that the children are not at the matches watching and keep them totally removed from rugby all together.
For good measure, I decided I would remove myself from rugby for a while with immediate effect so I pulled out of a team social this weekend to watch Exeter Chiefs play their semi-final against Bristol Bears.
In hindsight, I know that these thoughts are illogical and following Wednesdays training session it was unsustainable. I am always their mum even though I take some time out each week. Generally they are good kids. I have done a reasonable job so far and I should include them in my rugby and take pride in the fact that regardless of whether I am on that pitch or not, they are learning something every time they come to a match.
It was the poems that they had written for me for Mothers Day this year which kicked these ridiculous thoughts in to touch.
Some of the lines that the boy had written read “my mums a titanic super fan, she can run like lightening”, “my mum could be a superstar or a zoo keeper, my mum could be a teacher or a big boss” and “she’s a super marvellous mum, my mum”. The girls poem followed a similar pattern with lines like “my mum is an amazing cook” “my wonderful mum is an amusing sight” and “her smile is like sunlight”.
What these poems provided me with this week was evidence that the children are paying attention and they notice the difference in me. It also showed that they are paying attention when they are stood on the sideline. The boy has noticed that I can run fast if I want to and the girl isn’t wrong when she says I am an amusing sight. I have to agree with her particular on the rugby pitch as I take my Frankenstein stance in the back line.
I cannot help but wonder whether any of my homemade gifts or cards had a similar effect on my Mum when I was a child? Who knows. I do know that when they handed me their respective pieces of paper back in March I never expected that reading them would be enough to change my mindset completely and put me back on the right track.
It is Easter this weekend. I tried to do a workout that one of our coaches had put together this morning. I have invested in some equipment and the experience highlighted just how weak my upper body is. My husband was laughing at me as I started doing the lifts with 3kg dumbbells because anything more I struggled to pick up let alone carry out the exercises with.
At least it shows commitment even if I don’t manage to increase my weights for a while right? If nothing else it provides some good comedy material for the Mumma Bear social pages. There is no denying that I am a “cool comedian” because my boy says so.
In addition, I bit the bullet today and purchased a ticket to go and watch the Valkyrie coaches in action at their semi final tomorrow. I wasn’t going to go due to mum guilt however, this is the first time that Exeter Chiefs Women have made it a semi final so it would be a shame to miss it. Who knows when the opportunity shall present itself again and we only live once.
Mumma Bear Roars 