What can I say about life since my last post. It has been emotional, challenging and, at points, a real kick in the teeth! Apologies in advance, there have been so many things that have happened my head is a little scrambled so please bear with me.
Let’s start at the beginning. We celebrated the girls 8th birthday which was brilliant. Their birthdays are always an odd day. On one hand it’s joyful and filled with fun. On the other hand it’s emotional because they are one step further away from you. They have gained a little more experience and a little more independence. You are no longer needed as much as you once were.
However, the silver lining to that situation is that I have completed one more year of my motherhood journey. That in turn means I am one year closer to freedom. What does freedom mean? To me, it means not having to second guess myself or feel guilty about my decisions. I’m looking forward to a time when I do not have to run through songs in my head before deciding to listen to them, just in case there is explicit language used, or being dictated to by a clock at an event that I am enjoying.
We had a scare with puppy dog as well. As I have said before he isn’t a puppy anymore. After all he is 13 but I realised that we are not prepared in any shape or form for the end. He is still with us and is much better than he has been, but it is a constant worry in the back of my mind that the day is fast approaching where we will have to say goodbye, which I am not ready for at all. It is a challenge I have no desire to face.
What else has happened…of course, the Valkyries played their final game of the season!! I can hear your excitement that I am writing yet again about rugby!! To be honest it’s a little hazy now. It feels like it happened so long ago. I miss it already!! I miss the constant ping of my phone as the group chat goes mental. I miss my team mates. I even miss the aches and pains!! I have a theory about that last one which I will explore in a different post a little further down the line.
The final match was emotional. After all, we have completed our first season. We didn’t gain a win but I am still proud of what we have achieved, especially when you consider that the majority of us have been playing and training for less than a year. We got points on the board. For me, that achievement is enough.
In an ideal world we would have finished the season with the same starting line up that we began with however, circumstances and injuries meant that was not possible. all I can say to those who were unable to play or join us on that day, just know that you were missed. Each and everyone of you were in my thoughts that day and every day since. Hopefully I will see you all again at a touch session or two prior to the start of the next season.
I often speak about my team mates and I feel I need to clarify that when I use that term it encompasses everyone who is involved with the team. The management team, the coaches and the supporters. After all, if it weren’t for them the team would not exist. Thank you for all that you do. There are not enough words to express how grateful I am to each and every person who has played a role in providing the home from home that I have found with you.
Unfortunately, it is likely that I will be unable to continue.
This week I received an unwanted wake up call. We had an inspection this week by our landlord. It started off well. Unfortunately the house was not looking its best, as I had been busy the previous weekend with organising children completing homework and volunteering with a girls rugby taster day with the club. It has been a busy couple of weeks with family occasions, appointments etc.
I also did not have any power yesterday as there was an electrician in the house for the majority of the day upgrading the electrics who had set up base in the kitchen.
I don’t know about you guys but I keep my cleaning supplies in the safest cupboard in the house. You all know the one and if your anything like me, you know exactly where it is. Anyone hazard a guess? Where else would you store bleach, oven cleaner, polish, bathroom cleaner, descaler, glass cleaner and disinfectant than under the sink. It is an unwritten rule right? Similar to the bag of bags that we all have hidden somewhere believing that we will reuse them. In reality, I end up getting a new one when I am at the shops because i have forgotten my bag of bags to enable me to save the planet, but it’s the thought that counts I’m sure.
So the landlord arrived shortly after the electrician, we had a chat exchanged pleasantries and I spoke to him about the fact that I had become involved with rugby, how fantastic it is and I love it. I apologised that the house was not at its best. Partly because I had a busy weekend, partly because I am currently in a war with my children about taking responsibility for their bedrooms. As they are now nine and eight, I feel it is reasonable to expect them to pack their toys and clean clothes away so that I can whip the hoover around once a week and change the beds. Maybe not, I don’t know. What I do know is I’m fed up of impersonating Harry and Marv breaking in to the Mcallister home every time I try to gain entry to their rooms.
Anyway, following the inspection he comes back to me in the living room and informs me that he is looking to sell the house we currently occupy. This was something that came out of the blue. Let me explain why. We have lived in our current residence for six years. In that time we have redecorated several rooms, replaced carpet and flooring and spent a lot of money both outside and inside to make this our home. Twelve months ago we even replaced the kitchen including new floorboards, plumbing and tiling on the understanding that the landlord would not be selling anytime in the near future and would allow us to continue to save up to buy the property at a later stage.
He has said that he would be willing to sell to us now but, unfortunately, I know due to my knowledge and experience in conveyancing, that we are no where near being in a position to proceed at this time.
To add insult to injury he finished the delivery of this bombshell by telling me how the house is obviously very dirty as soon as you enter the property. That was like a punch in the stomach. I have never been told in the whole of my adult life that my home is dirty. Messy at times but not dirty.
Inevitably, this triggered a tsunami of thoughts to be unleashed in my brain. The main question was what has changed since his last visit? The only thing that is different in my life is the fact that I play rugby. Therefore, it stands to reason that my much loved hobby is the reason why my children are living in filth, at least in the opinion of my landlord. It doesn’t seem to be an opinion shared by others.
The fact remains though that I am now in the unenviable position of having failed my family. We are going to need to find somewhere to live and we will be very lucky to find somewhere that will meet all of our needs. We have so many strikes against us in terms of finding a new rental. We have two children. Landlords don’t like children much. They are dirty and destructive. Sad but true occasionally. We have a dog and a cat. Landlords don’t like pets because of fleas and the risk of damage to carpets from accidents. Landlords don’t like unemployed tenants. Technically I am unemployed although I am classed as a “homemaker” now.
I think that we are not going to have any choice but to turn to the local authority. We have registered on the housing list before however, it was deemed that we had no need for housing and we were only entitled to a two bedroom property due to the ages of the children.
I know I sound like a snob but I have only ever wanted to protect my children and provide them with a better life than I had. I grew up on a council estate. It was great for me and has shaped my understanding of the world massively but the fear of my children being exposed to some of the characters I grew up around terrifies me. It will be a massive culture shock to them.
They will hate me. They will hate the fact that they will have to share a bedroom. In fact, there is a real possibility that there will be some form of bloodshed if that happens. They will also resent me as I force them to part with some of their possessions because there is no chance that they will be able to keep all of the things they currently have. There simply will not be any room.
The more I think about it the angrier I feel. I feel angry at the landlord for putting us in this position. We have invested our money in this property and now he is going to profit from it. I feel angry with the children because they didn’t tidy their rooms when they are asked. Mostly I feel angry and ashamed of myself for becoming distracted and dropping the ball.
Effectively because I have not been at home like a good little wifey cleaning my home 24/7 we are now being punished, because I had not polished for a while or hoovered upstairs for a couple of days. I have overindulged in something that provides me with self confidence, “an enormous sense of well being” to quote Blur and most importantly, some friendships that I hoped would be lifelong.
It isn’t true but that’s how it feels. Any happiness or pleasure images felt over the past nine months is now overshadowed. I have a busy few months ahead. It’s going to take some time to process. I need take a step back and reassess how much time I can commit and whether or not it will be viable for me to continue next season.
Hopefully I will figure it out but if not it’s been a blast!! Thanks for the memories, I will treasure them always.
Mumma Bear Roars 