Triggered

Its been a while since I have written a post but I am back. For the time being anyway. Lets just see how it goes. I’m not going to be making any promises because, if I’m honest, I do not have the mental capacity to keep promises at the moment.

So what has been happening in my life since my last post. There are so many changes happening constantly I can barely keep up. The first big change is new accommodation. That’s right, my husband and I managed to hustle and, with the help of family, we managed to rustle up funds to purchase our own property. Woohoo!! We will not be at the mercy of a landlord again in the future.

We lost Puppy at the beginning of August. I can’t really write about that right now. If I dwell on that for too long then my facade crumbles and I am not sure I have strength to put the mask back together again at the moment. All I will say is that I miss him terribly because he simply was the best dog we could have asked for and he is, quite simply, irreplaceable.

Anyway, we moved out of our rental and we are now in a dispute with the Landlord regarding our deposit. Given his description of the condition of the property since we left you would believe that we lived in a crack den. Of course, I am following the necessary channels to challenge his claims however, it has caused me to fall in to a downward spiral which I cannot seem to escape.

I have been thinking about the possible reasons why this mans lies are having such a huge effect on my state of mind. I think I have figured it out. Years ago, when I was a teenager I was the victim of a crime perpetrated by an old man.

This persons actions left me feeling dirty, unworthy and he convinced people close to me that I was a liar. I am not a liar. The only saving grace was that I was not physically harmed. nevertheless, it took all of my strength to stand my ground and seek justice through the appropriate channels. I was successful.

This scenario is completely different in that the current situation is that he claims the house we lived in was left dirty with large amounts of damage etc but the claims leave me feeling dirty, unworthy and a failure. I have reached a point where I feel paralyzed. I cannot move forward until this has been resolved one way or another. The easiest way would be to just walk away and allow the Landlord to have what he wants. If I do that though he wins. He isn’t held to account for the way in which he conned us in to investing our own money into his property, to then evict us so he can capitalise on our hard work and my husbands hard earned cash. Why should he get away with that? That is why I continue to fight back against his claims.

However, fundamentally they are the same, both men use manipulation to get what they want from you. Both men knew that I was reliant on them in one way or another. The landlord, for example, was able to manipulate us to carry out improvements at our own expense because if we didn’t he had the power to evict us as and when he chose.

The difference is he does not have that hold over us any more and I am able to fight back as we are no longer dependent on him for anything and he needs to be held to account for his failings as a Landlord .

I need to speak to a doctor before I am able to play and we all know how easy that is in the current climate with the NHS and GP Surgeries, with the receptionist gatekeepers scoring your need depending on how well you answer the questions. The last I heard it was a three week wait for a telephone appointment at my GP surgery.

Previously when I have been struggling I found I was able to quiet my mind by playing rugby and going to training sessions. This isn’t proving as effective this season so far. The Valkyries had their first match of the season earlier this month. My goal for this season was to play an entire match without getting injured. I was so close, there were a couple minutes left of the match when I clashed heads with another player. No concussion, thankfully, however I did have a huge lump on my head and two black eyes for a few days. The lump remains and I am unsure when I will be able to return to play as I fear the lump will be here to stay for some time.

The problem with being told that you are unable to play with your team mates makes training sessions seem pointless in some way. Another knock on effect, if you cant play, is that you end up feeling like a spare part because your desperate to be on the pitch. I feel useless on the sidelines watching. Its amazing how quickly you can start to believe that your an imposter who has no right to be there. Whether that is true or not, when your head space is where mine currently is, the intrusive thoughts of being dirty and worthless creep in to other areas of your life. Your brain tells you that your team mates don’t want to be your partner because they now your damaged in some way so you over react to comments or start overthinking everything.

Why am I feeling this way? Its simple. My brain needs to recalibrate. I need to remind myself that I am not that damaged 17 year old anymore. I am an adult. I am honest. I am a mother. I am not dirty. I am not weak.

I have proven to myself multiple times that I can carry more weight than I thought possible during my journey through this life so far. Most importantly, I am not alone. All I need to do is reach out and ask for help and support until this passes. Right?

Well this is me asking for help. I do not want anyone to do anything, I don’t want anyone to make a fuss. All I want is for this episode to be over so I can get back to being me. So I can refocus in my life and put this horrible experience behind me and my family.

The sad reality is that no one can help with that can they. Ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness. If that means I need to return to the drawing board because there is no longer a place for me within the ruby community, then so be it. It was great while it lasted. If my place is as a spectator cheering the team on I can live with that.

I would miss it because the rugby pitch is one of the only places that I feel strong. It gives me confidence if I am alone in public that I have a secret. It would take an unsuspecting person by surprise.

The mind is a fascinating organ. A while ago my husband asked me why I take specific routes rather than driving a shorter distance and since when have you not liked driving. I do like driving but only if I know the road like the back of my hand.

Whilst I have been trapped in the mind of my 17 year old self I have realised why I don’t take the shorter route. I mean there are the usual excuses of school times clashing and traffic but it dawned on me that the roads I drive on the school run I know like the back of my hand. I know where the road widens, where it bends and, most importantly, where the nearest houses are if I were in trouble and needed help.

Part of my experience when I was 17 involved a car journey with this old man. A journey which typically would take half an hour at most using the dual carriageway took an hour because the person in question decided that he would take me on a tour through all of the single track deserted lanes on the way back to my home. I can remember looking out of the window and thinking to myself if he decides to pounce on me no one will hear me scream and there is no where to run.

Maybe that is the reason that I am uncomfortable driving. Well, the subconscious memory of that journey when I was at my most vulnerable coupled with the experience of some guy you don’t know jumping out of a hedge trying to get in to your car late at night, i think justify my reservations.

Part of the issue is you cannot talk to anyone about these memories and experiences because they evoke so much emotion from people. You end up consoling people your confiding in because they cannot comprehend what you have experienced. That becomes exhausting.

We have all seen the posts on social media of, say, Robin Williams smiling with a tag line similar to “this is what depression looks like”. In a sense there is some truth in that. Its easier to divert peoples attention from asking how you are to save them from your traumas.

Or maybe that’s just me, who knows, we are all individuals after all. We all deal with trauma and anxiety differently. Some people shout about it from the roof tops. Others stay in the background, avoid drama and smile. However you choose to deal with your own issues is up to you. There will be no judgements from me. If you have read this far, please take some comfort in knowing that moments like these are fleeting and they pass as quickly as they appear. All I want is for something to stay the same for a while, so I can catch my breath. Is that too much to ask?