Often when I am driving alone I find myself having conversations with myself. Occasionally these episodes raise valid points. One of my debates has resulted in this particular post.
The subject today is time, more specifically, the different ways people perceive time. Some people are constantly busy. There is always something to be done to keep them occupied and their perception is that they never have a moment to stop and just exist. Other people feel the pressure to keep their lives to a strict timetable. Some people have no concept of time keeping whatsoever. They float around, day to day, doing things in their own time.
I, personally, feel like I fall in to the second group. My day to day life is broken up into segments and what I achieve each day depends on how many segments I have available. When the children are at school, there are between 5-6 hours or segments available four days per week. For clarity, available segments mean I am alone and can solely focus on a task. During the holidays this number is significantly reduced. As a result I do not achieve very much during the school breaks.
Why is that? I rarely take the children on outings or do anything that could be considered fun with them. I am at home with them mostly, generally doing basic housework and focussing on keeping the children, dog, birds and myself alive. I found myself wondering why I feel the need to exert so much energy on sticking to a timetable. The children are older now so a bit of flexibility would probably benefit all of us.
When I compare my approach to my husbands approach they are very different. He is a lot more relaxed about time. In order for us to get to an appointment or an event on time it is necessary for me to set the clock fast and tell him a different appointment time. Over the years I have worked out that generally, you need to tell him an appointment is an hour earlier than the actual time. For example, if we are meeting my family for lunch and the booking is at 1.00pm I will tell him midday, that way we may actually get to the pub by 1.30pm at the latest.
He is one of those people who floats through the day and isn’t time conscious. He figures it will all be fine and there is no such thing as a deadline. If he becomes aware of a task that requires attention, then he will start the task regardless of what else is planned. It drives me nuts sometimes. I wonder whether it is connected to the fact that he is a male and I am a female. Females tend to be better time keepers, in my experience, than men. This then begs the question of why? Why does time have little meaning to males and yet females can seem neurotically obsessed by time. I have a theory and I want to explore it further here.
I cannot remember being unaware of time, more specifically the importance of time. Due to our biology we, at a young age, are taught that it is necessary to keep an eye on the time. In PSHE classes girls are taught, that at some point during puberty, we are going to start bleeding from our vaginas. Our biological composition means that we will bleed once a month for 5 to 7 days, every month until we reach menopause. From the point that our periods begin until the time they end, we will be able to have babies. We are taught that there is a window of time each month, where it is possible to conceive prior to our period.
Period products themselves, such as tampons, require you to be aware of time. It is recommended that they are changed every four hours. They can be left for eight hours, but you should not wear a tampon for more than eight hours. It is recommended that you change a sanitary towel every three to four hours to prevent you smelling. Times have moved on since the early 2000’s when I began requiring such products however, I do distinctly remember watching the clock and keeping a close eye on the time, due to the fear that I would either smell or, potentially, die due to Toxic Shock Syndrome if I was late changing a tampon.
As we progress through puberty, we learn about methods of contraception to avoid falling pregnant. The recommendation for the contraception pill to be 99% effective is for it to be taken orally, at the same time or as close to that time every day.
According to the NHS website the average age for the menopause is between 45 and 55 years of age and the average age for a girl to start her periods is 12 years of age. Now, some quick maths shows that the above process can last for approximately 43 years. Potentially 43 years of a females life is essential clock watching. That is a hard habit to break.
In addition to clock watching due to your period, as some females age, they become much more aware of the ticking biological clock. The window of time to have a family begins to shorten, and if they have not already done so, they may wish to have children. I have already had children and have no desire to have any more however, if I were wanting more children, I am at an age that I could stress myself out every month, that Aunt Flo came to visit due to the impending, yet unknown, “use by” date biologically stamped on my ovaries at birth.
What about males? Are they taught about time keeping with the same level of life and death urgency as females? Of course not. Biologically males become fertile, on average, at the age of 12 years old and will remain so, to varying degrees, for the remainder of their lives. Recently Robert DeNiro, a man in his seventies became a father.
What about contraception. Do they need to stick to a timetable for the condom to be 99% effective? No, the general advice is stick it on before you put it in the vicinity of the goal and all will be well.
Do I think biology is the only reason for this discrepency between males and females? No. I think society has played a role as well.
There is an expectation of women, from other women, to be brilliant at all things. You need to be the perfect mother and partner, a successful business woman whilst maintaining the perfect home and you need to look drop dead gorgeous while you’re doing it. Anything less is unacceptable. If you are a home maker then you are a failure to womankind, because you are upholding the stereotype of a woman’s role. That is damaging for the feminist movement. All you need to do is manage your time better, that’s all sweetie.
I followed that advice for the first five years following the arrival of our son. When the boy arrived a whole new timetable entered the equation, together with new routines of feeding times, nap times, bath time and bed time as well as completing all of the work required by my employer. I truly believed that as long as my children had consistency with our routines, it was possible to be the best at all things. As a result, we all missed out on events and celebrations and now we rarely get invited to a lot as a family.
As time passed it evolved from tracking the hours, to days, to months, to years. 3 hourly feeds changed to weight targets which moved baby milestones, which in turn, became academic targets and now they are older, I am acutely aware that there are not many opportunities left to witness many more first experiences. I mean my eldest is entering his last year of primary school in September. All we have to look forward to is first day of secondary school, first heartbreak, first exam results, first driving lesson and hopefully, if we are lucky, a couple of weddings and the arrival of grandchildren to look forward to.
I will get the opportunity this week with my husband to take them to London for the first time. I am excited to do that. I am hoping it will be a positive experience for us all with fun and laughter. At the same time, I am anxious that my attachment to specific times for meals and bed will mar the occasion.
This could be my last opportunity to really crack the hold that my obsession with time has over me. I can’t help but have an overwhelming sense of guilt about all the joy I missed out on due to this preoccupation. I feel guilty for relishing those quiet hours once the children were in bed.
They no longer want to have snuggles with mummy on the sofa before bed, I cannot remember the last time they needed me to read them a bedtime story, or to hold their hand to cross the road. What’s worse is I can hear the voices of mothers who have already walked this path, screaming enjoy it because it doesn’t last forever. Drink in every moment and store it in your memory bank, because you never know when the last time will be. I ignored them and I cannot recall the last time it happened.
Does that make me a terrible person? Possibly but maybe if I focus on the future and being present now, that will make up for it. Does it matter what I remember, or is it more important to ensure that the children have positive memories to reflect on when they are adults? I would argue the latter is a higher priority.
Occasionally, events happen which cause you to re-evaluate your life. We lost a member of our family recently. I find myself thinking about her often. we talk about her and share our memories, which made me think about what memories my children would share about me when I am no longer around. What would I want their enduring memories of me to be? I do not want them to remember me as a person who never had any time for them. I don’t want to be a cautionary tale.
I want them to remember their mother as a kick ass woman who gave everything her best shot, even when it wasn’t good enough. I want to be the woman who is spoken about fondly with a smile and a laugh. I want them to laugh at me due to my humour, not because I freaked out that we were an hour late. I do not want my daughter to follow my lead. I want her to be able to enjoy her life without external pressures to squash her life into small windows of time.
Maybe society has moved on. Maybe there is more understanding now then there was. I hope so, there are certainly more strong female role models than there were before. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the future generations are able to have a better balance in their lives. Hopefully our daughter will be able to have a healthier relationship with time than I have, similar to the example my husband demonstrates. She has followed my lead relating to rugby so, if I can change my approach now, maybe she will be able to use that as a reference to develop a combination of both my husband and I disproving my theory.
Unfortunately my crystal ball is out of order at the moment so we will have to wait and see what approach she takes.
Mumma Bear Roars 