My brain feels that way sometimes. I have spells where I am full of ambition and dreams. They don’t seem to last long though. Inevitably I encounter a metaphoric iceberg which pierces the hull and sends them plummeting to the depths of my mind where they are slowly eaten away by self doubt and fears, much like the wreck which sits on the ocean floor as rusticles feast aiding the decay.
I have embarked on a couple of these dreams this year. The primary focus for me was becoming a coach within the junior section of the rugby club I play for. I took advice from others who gave me tips and allowed me to assist them last season and this year I joined a different group where there was previously a solo coach. This year he has been joined by three assistants including myself.
It got off to a good start. I am helping with the boy’s team as the girl’s training is predominantly on Sunday afternoons. As I still want to play it doesn’t make sense for me to commit to the girl’s team as I would not be able to play and coach.
In addition, I applied for and received an Impact25 voucher from the RFU. Vouchers were offered to women who wished to do either a coaching course or a refereeing course as a way to encourage more women to get involved with the game, due to England hosting the Women’s Rugby World Cup next year. After speaking with a coach who is far more experienced than I, he advised that I would benefit more from the referee course. He felt that would assist me with my coaching as I will have an understanding of what referees are looking out for during games. I followed his advice and duly attended my first day on Saturday.
It was very useful and helpful. Now I am thinking it may be worth investigating whether it would be possible to add refereeing on to my plate. I know the basics, I have a whistle, a red and yellow card and a fancy new notebook, so why not, right? One thing that was glaringly apparent to me on this course, was that my confidence in my ability is so low that my decision making, even on the course, would not in my humble opinion be any use on a pitch in a referee capacity.
Why is my confidence so low at the moment? I am not sure, however, the coaching and refereeing aspects of the game are still very much male dominated areas.
Despite the knowledge that I have gained since I began playing, there are still those men who, I feel, look at women in the game as an inconvenience to enable the sport to appear politically correct. I must add I believe this is very much a minority, the “old school” ilk who resist change.
Nevertheless they exist.
This is difficult to write about because females are conditioned to keep quiet. Jokes are made about PMS, overthinking, over-reacting and too emotional to utilise logic. Its a very clever tactic because when we encounter something, anything, that makes us uncomfortable, angry or upset the default position, for me at least, is to analyse the situation to find fault in what I have said or done.
Nine times out of ten, the conclusion I will reach is that I am over-reacting, as logic and previous experience indicates it is a mere difference in the way men and women communicate.
However, what if you find yourself in the same situation repeatedly with the same person? If every time you make a suggestion for a skill zone or an area to focus on with the team, it gets criticised or dismissed what other conclusion can you make? Surely it can’t always be me being unreasonable?
What if in addition to the above the same person walks away from you whilst you are speaking to them, or interrupts and talks over you when you are speaking to the team? In some circumstances they may interpret their actions as being helpful, however, there is an argument to be made that they should trust me to handle myself and earn the boys respect through my own actions.
Anyway, this culminated in me having an episode at the referee training I attended, when I was to ref the touch game that my fellow attendees were playing. We all had to have a go. I did not blow my whistle once. I felt like I was paralysed and this overwhelming fear overcame me. Questions filled my head like “What on earth are you doing here?” or “why did you think you would be able to do this? You don’t know anything!”
Afterwards, you need to analyse your performance and the others give you feedback. You are front and centre. I practically burst in to tears before anything had been said. I had been terrible but, in my defence, the team were playing by the rules without my intervention. I also could not see very well, due to the fact I could not wear my glasses as we were outside (the weather was awful, I would have needed wipers) and because I was so afraid of the inevitable criticism that I was sure was coming my way that my focus was.
That didn’t happen but I think that was because the fear was plain for all to see.
“Oh well, never mind, don’t mind her she is the perfect example of why women should not referee” was the only thought that was circling in my mind. One of the guys running the course took me to one side and was really complimentary about my attempt. He said that I have potential to be a great referee, all I need to do is build my confidence. I decided that was what I was going to do.
After that course I sent through another suggestion to the coaches group for us to look at with the team on Sunday. Initially it was a positive response until I set out what I had in mind, at which point the same coach, who has been dismissive and critical previously, effectively said yes to the area to look at, no to the suggested method and finished the conversation basically saying he knows what he is doing so that’s that.
I have since received an apology regarding this and acknowledgement that my ideas are good and definitely something for us to look at in the future so that is something at least.
Generally the response I have encountered from others within the club since my first involvement, when the women’s team was set up, has been nothing but positive support and encouragement.
Now that I am involved with the coaching side, I receive private messages from other people involved in the club saying how much my involvement will benefit that age group. Yet the accumulation of my “over-reactions” has had a profound impact on my self belief.
I take comfort from the positive interactions I have had, they help immensely with my confidence.
I was asked not long ago why I play rugby and specifically why I play for the club that I chose. The answer I gave then was simple. The reason I play is to meet with people who are as weird as I am.
Since then my answer has changed. The reason I play is because I love the game. The reason I coach for this club specifically is due to the opportunities and friendships it has provided for me.
Ultimately, if I tread this path now it carves the way for my daughter and any other girl, should she choose to play, coach or referee without the doubt, fear and judgements that have been experienced by so many others, myself included.
That is the dream anyway. All I need to do is, weld the puncture to my hull, reinforce it with some courage and continue moving forward full steam ahead.
P.S – Do you like my boat? I built that all by myself (Mostly- Ha!)
Mumma Bear Roars 