Railway Widow

So I mentioned in my previous post that I am a “railway widow” and I promised that I would elaborate on this label.

NowI refer to myself as a railway widow because my husband works on the railways. What this means is that my husband is away for the majority of the time due to his job. Therefore, I am often alone with the children for periods of time and the responsibility for our home life falls on my shoulders.

When our son was born my husband toyed with the idea of getting a job locally as a mechanic. This would mean that he would be home every night at a certain time, working in the same environment all the time and able to be the hands on dad that he wants to be.

Selfishly, I told him to stop thinking about that because I know how much he loves his current career. I am not exaggerating when I say that my husband would be lost if it were not for his job. I know he would not have the same commitment or the same passion for a job in a different field.

It is safe to say that there are various careers which get under our skin. Every one of us has the ability to fall in love with our jobs if it is the one for us and he has found his. I know that if he were to change his career, he would be miserable and I have no desire to support a decision that I believe, in the long run, would have a detrimental impact on our life.

The railways is a sector that once you start it is very difficult to get away from. So if you are married to or involved with someone in this particular sector, be prepared. It is often a career for life. I may be wrong but from my experience and conversations with other people in similar positions that is the nature of the industry.

Even when people who work in this industry are not at work or reach retirement they often find themselves volunteering for vintage railways, collecting memorabilia or purchasing old machinery for restoration.

The downside, as I have already said, is that he is away from home for long periods of time. That is tough sometimes, particularly after he has taken some holiday or has been based closer to home for an extended period of time, especially for the children. I am not going to lie and say that the four of us at home (puppy included) do not miss him because we obviously do.

However, having said that, it is a way of life which we are used to. The children understand that Daddy works, they know why Daddy works, they know what Daddy does for work and they know what day Daddy is going to be home every week. As soon as he leaves the children start counting how many days before Daddy is home. It has taken a while for the children to develop this understanding. When they were younger there were a lot of tearful, upsetting evenings when they would be crying out for their Dad.

This is why I say I was selfish when the career change was being considered by telling my husband not to do that. The reason I say that is because I am an adult and I am used to this way of life, I understood from the start what his career entailed. I am very comfortable in my own company and sometimes I want to be alone. For me, the hardest part of being a railway widow is the transition between my husband coming home and my husband lodging away.

For example, last week my husband was at home on holiday. He returned to work on Monday and is somewhere in the UK (I am never entirely sure where) until the end of the week. I did not sleep well on Monday night because it was the first night of having an empty bed to sleep in. The same applies when he is home. I struggle to sleep the first night that he returns home because I have grown unaccustomed to the sound of his “light snoring” and breathing in the bed next to me. Sorry love.

I choose this way of life, it works for me and it works for our relationship and marriage. We are very rarely together long enough to grow bored of each other or really irritate each other. There are some little niggles that occur, and the job can be disruptive to our family life at times but on the whole it works for us.

The children did not choose this way of life and this is where we, as parents are conflicted. They want their daddy to be able to pick them up from school everyday and read bed time stories every night. It is accurate to say that the children idolise their father and I think the main reason for this is due to the fact that they benefit from more quality time with him now than they would if he was home everyday. Would they have the same bond with him if that was the case?

Children generally cause you to re-evaluate your life. We certainly did and continue to do so on a regular basis. So far we have always agreed that the railways are here to stay, they will remain part of our life in one form or another for the rest of our lives. We cannot escape. Even if we wanted to our son would make it very difficult.

It may not be conventional or easy all of the time. So what? Life would be dull if we were typical and then I wouldn’t have anything to write about. Well…that isn’t true. There is always something to write about if you look hard enough.

As I am getting older the more I am believing that normal and typical are fallacies. A typical family and a normal person do not exist. We are all eccentric because we are all individuals as we should be and I for one embrace my strangeness and the hardship of being a railway widow.

It is really hard to be able to have full control of the remote and eat all the good snacks to yourself, because you grew up as an only child so sharing is not your strong point.

If that is the price of being a railway widow then, I have to say, its a price I am willing to pay.