Not Long Left

The countdown is on! Not much time left before the children will be back in their classrooms. Woohoo!! Or is it?

If I am honest I have to admit that I have mixed feelings. Homeschooling is hard however, for me, it has been easier this time round. The children have been easier to engage. Ok, they may not be producing as much or putting as much effort in as they might in school but at least they have been trying.

I am happy that they are going back to school, my two have definitely missed it and are in desperate need of social interaction and some normality in their lives which school provides.

I am also nervous about them returning to school. We all want the best for our children and it is a real fear of mine that, despite my best efforts, it wasn’t good enough and it will be my fault if they have fallen behind.. As I have said before I am in a fortunate position that I am a house wife/home maker/stay at home parent rather than a working mum. Those parents who have been trying to juggle working from home as well as childcare and homeschooling have my total respect because I know I could not have done it. There is an understanding in that situation if the children have not been able to complete all of the tasks everyday. However, would that same understanding apply to those in the same position as me? I am not sure it would.

So that scares me, the teachers kind of scare me. Not because they are scary people just because they are teachers and, for some reason, when I am in the presence of teachers I seem to revert back to being a child with the way that I talk to them and the level of respect I show them so if they need to talk to me or tell me something negative I feel like I am being told off. Do you know what I mean? The whole “Yes Miss, No Sir” thing? Maybe that is just me. It does not feel that it has been that many years ago that I was at school, time has just disappeared and it is a habit that has not yet been broken.

I am also anxious about being, to a degree, in social setting with other adults. Other than those within the family bubble I have not seen or spoken in person to another adult since before Christmas. I am and have always been socially awkward anyway, as I have said before but what if my ability to hold my tongue has been damaged during this isolation period. There could be a real danger that I end up telling another parent to shut up if they become obnoxious or boastful about how well their child has done.

I do not compare my children and their abilities with other children but I do compare myself to other mothers. It is not a good idea and I do not recommend it. It is a sure fire way to fall down a hole of self loathing and after the past few months the last thing any of us needs is too fall down that pit.

I also know myself well enough to know that when the children do return to school I am going to feel lost for a few days. I will be that person wandering aimlessly round my house trying to remember what I used to do to fill my days before lockdown. There are plenty of tasks and jobs that I have said need to be done and lockdown has provided a very convenient excuse for not completing them. Once they go back to school I will not have that reason to fall back on which means I will have to eat those frogs and I am not sure if I am ready to do that yet.

It will not take long to get back on top of things and spring is most definitely on the way which is handy as the majority of the jobs that need attention at the moment are outside. You know the kind of things. The gardens need a good tidy up following the winter and kitchen work, there are some other areas at the allotment that need to be prepared and planting needs to be planned and done in both locations. How else do you get ready for summer?

The other element that always concerns me is my appearance. If I am tired or a little rundown my skin breaks out in spots. It must have been happening alot over the past few months because the eight year old has begun to question me about them in a way that only a child could get away with. “Mummy…why do you keep getting lumps on your face that explode?” Cheers bud. On the bright side though if I have lumps on my face at least people are not looking at my eyebrows. Not even I have dared to look to closely at the beasts above my eyes due to the fear that two have become one.

Maybe I should take my roller skates with me for drop off and pick up…that would be a conversation starter and if I do not want to participate I can pretend I can not stop and whizz right past them. Would that be rude?

It will all be fine, I know it won’t take long to settle back in to the daily rhythm and soon enough I will be moaning about the hinderance that is the school run once more, I know this.

I also know that it isn’t going to take long before seeing the mum who appears to have themselves together every day and their life in order begins to wind me up again. That makes me a massive hypocrite. Especially as I talk about how I feel if I think I am being judged. But in my defence, I am sure there must be a mum in every school whose child has loads of extra curricular activities, clubs and they are involved with every aspect of the school. They do fundraising and attend all the meetings, organise the events and chat to all of the teachers as if they are mates. In addition to that they openly tell you about their jam packed daily schedule, wear a full face of make up and seem to know every single parent in the playground on personal level (other than me) and they never appear to get flustered or overwhelmed.

I envy that mum because even on my good days there is always something that has to be sacrificed for another day. I also make a conscious effort to avoid that mum because I know that following any interaction I have with her I will be in a bad mood. I know that I cannot compete with the level of perfection that they represent in my mind and that irritates me.

Who knows, maybe I represent that mum to some… I doubt it but it’s possible, right?

Anyway, I have one more week to prepare myself and I am making plans. I hope puppy is ready to listen to me. We haven’t had as many conversations lately. I am blaming the children for that. They just look at us like I am mad when they have caught us chatting. They do not like it at all when I tell them that he is the only one that I can have a sensible conversation with and who understands what I am saying. “Mummy, don’t be silly, he does not know what you’re saying, he is a dog” I know that he understands me and I know that he agrees with me always. How do I know this? I know this because I am the one that feeds him and even he is smart enough to know that you do not “bite” the hand that feeds you.

He is a very clever dog and is becoming a wise old man with many pearls of wisdom which I am sure he would happily share if he could get a word in edgeways but he knows better than to interrupt a lady when she is speaking.

All in all I am excited to get some time back to myself but I cannot deny that I am going to miss them even if though they drive me crazy.