I write a lot of posts which cover similar things. I write about how hard I find it being a parent. I write about feeling overwhelmed and how I have no idea what I am doing.
However, I am not sure whether I have written about the desire I have experienced on occasion to run away and not come back. The thoughts about if I just disappeared would anyone even notice? If they did notice at what stage would that be? Would it be when I was not there to put the children to bed that night, would it be the next morning when I am not here to take them to school or would it be a week later when the dirty washing, dishes and hoovering hasn’t been done.
I have felt this way, I may be alone with that thought but if I am not and someone else reading this has had similar thoughts then maybe it will provide you with some comfort to know that you are not alone.
I reckon ninety percent of your time parenting is monotonous. It’s the same routine repeated over and over and over again. Very little changes on a day to day basis.
When the pattern has been the same for a long period it is easy to start to beat yourself up. The thoughts of your children missing out because your not the fun mum that you see on social media, or the do it all mum who has their children booked into a different club or activity everyday. You are just the boring mum who does the housework, cooks the meals and shouts…often a lot.
Those are the times that I have felt that my family would be better off if I disappeared. If I wasn’t here then they would have more opportunities and experiences than they have with me around. Logically, I know that is not going to be the case and if I ever raise these feelings with other people, I am met with a barrage of compliments and affirmations of what a great mum I am.
Sometimes though, all I want is for someone to listen and ask what do you need? What can we do or change to break the cycle, or how can I help you break the cycle you have become embroiled in. Every time I find myself in that mindset I always need something different to change.
One common theme has always been that the change needed has been simple. Sometimes a walk in the countryside is all I need, a change of surroundings can work wonders. Sometimes it may be a case of having a short break to have a haircut, paint my nails, meet my bestie for a coffee and a chat, or even to just be able to listen to music that is inappropriate for little ears at full blast to blow out the cobwebs.
Occasionally it needs to be a bigger change like, for example, learning a new skill. Focusing on something that is completely unrelated to your children and enables you to switch off that voice in your head that tells you that you are not good enough, can really work wonders. If you enjoy it then that helps too.
I have found now that the children are getting older and more independent I am at a loss. I have no idea what I did before, well I do but that would not be an appropriate path now and I struggled to find an activity that could provide me with satisfaction and enjoyment that was solely for me.
I know it is hard. I do not want to sound like I’m lecturing anyone because I am not, all I am doing is asking what do you need? Do you need a sounding board for ideas, do you need reassurance? I can guarantee that your doing a fantastic job, even on your “worst day” your hardly Lady Tremaine. Maybe you need a combination of both. What I can tell you is that it does pass and once it does you will be able to enjoy the ten percent that is fun and savour those moments that fill you with pride as opposed to being controlled by the fear of being shamed.
Parenting is like a rollercoaster with many ups and downs that you cannot get off. As I am getting older my tolerance for rides is eroding. The last fair ground ride I went on was the waltzers, an absolute favourite of mine, but my head was spinning for approximately three days afterwards. Maybe when you become a parent your body reacts that way because your body can no longer tolerate the emotional rollercoaster of parenting and actual rides so it forces your hand to give up the fair ground.
Mumma Bear Roars 